


a holiday of healing

by Illyrianwitchling, starbornvalkyrie



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas, Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Co-workers, Elorcan, Elriel, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Nessian - Freeform, Pain Train, Past Abuse, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Rape/Non-con was NOT Cassian, SJM Crossover, Secret Santa, but worth it, feysand, lysaedion, rowaelin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:21:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 39,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27872949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illyrianwitchling/pseuds/Illyrianwitchling, https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbornvalkyrie/pseuds/starbornvalkyrie
Summary: For the employees of Terra and Cadre magazines, the Annual Prythian Printing Holiday Away was usually a weekend full of festivities. However this year, with less than twenty fours before the trip, haunted memories cause two employees’ secret affair to fall into shambles–their hearts along with it.Will a weekend in the mountains be a time of healing  or are the scars left behind too deep to overcome?
Relationships: Aedion Ashryver/Lysandra, Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien & Rowan Whitethorn, Elain Archeron/Azriel, Elide Lochan/Lorcan Salvaterre, Feyre Archeron/Rhysand, Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 34
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This wonderful little story was cultivated and cowritten by illyrianwitchling & starbornfaeriequeen. The two of us discussed how much fun a brotp of Rowan and Nesta and then of Aelin x Cassian would be. Which spiraled into this little angsty fic. Just remember the word healing is in title.

Nesta paused, looking at herself in the mirror, curler in hand. Her eyes focused on the colorful marks left behind from last night. She made a mental note to add more concealer along her neckline. It wasn’t the best look for her meeting today. A rare smile bloomed on her lips recalling last night as Nesta coiled a strand of hair tightly around the heated wand. Lost to her thoughts of him. The way he made her feel wanted and needed. Before the imagery of yesterday or any other time took place permanently in her mind, there was a loud bang on her door. Nesta jumped, startled at the sound. 

Quickly uncoiling the strand, placing her curling iron on the counter, making her way to the front door. The man that occupied her thoughts mere moments ago, stood before her looking far more attractive than any man should at eight in the morning. He stood against the door frame, two coffees in hand, bottom lip pulled between his teeth. His perfectly tailored suit hugged every muscle, impeccably so. Then there was that man bun she loved so much.

“What are you doing here, Cassian? You have work in an hour."

"I know." He stepped around her and closed the door. “So do you.”

Nesta took the coffees from him, setting them on the small table by the door. Her fingers running over the expanse of his tie before tugging on the silken fabric pulling his lips a breath from hers.

"We have to be quick, I have that huge staff meeting for the special holiday issue today in case you’ve forgotten. And _you--_ " she kisses him and he eagerly returns it for a beat before pulling away, “--better not make me late.” She looked up, expecting her playfulness to be mirrored in his eyes, but it wasn’t. "What's wrong?"

"Nes…” he trailed off sounding nervous. Rubbing the nape of his neck.

"Cas…?”

He took a deep breath and looked at her in a way he never has before. Like for once he feared her response. "I wanna ride in together. To work."

Nesta blinked, her mouth opening and closing several times before settling on a statement her heart screamed against, "People will know."

"It's been six months. Is it that bad if they do?"

Nesta inadvertently took a step back, and Cassian dropped his arms. His eyes scanning the floor below like he was trying to count each and every grain of wood. A feeble attempt to calm the rising anger in him. His way of counting to ten. Cassian knew this was a risky chance coming her and suggesting such a drastic change to their relationship. If one could call it a relationship. He was done hiding how deeply he felt for her. Not talking about the woman who made his day just by looking at him or laughing at how he nuzzled his nose into her collar, it was killing him. Slowly.

“You agreed,” Nesta retorted, “I didn’t want a relationship six months ago. And you agreed this was fine.”

“Well, Nes, things changed. It’s not good enough for me anymore.” He went to reach for her hand but thought better of it, returning his hand to his side. “Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me this is all you want? For this. For us to be a secret? Until when? We get bored? Married in secrecy?"

She shrinks under his gaze. The hardness in his eyes and the way his jaw clenched, brought up haunted memories of Tomas who stood in that very spot. Nesta blinked away the shouts in her mind as she struggled to respond, "No… No, I don't know.” 

Turning away from him, Nesta hurried back towards the bathroom. Praying he will get the hint and leave. She needed to catch her breath and shove her demons away. With Cassian pushing matters, it’s difficult to do so. Out of all the days he chose to do this, he had to pick today. Cassian crossed the threshold quickly, blocking her way. Panic thrummed in her veins, she was beginning to suffocate. Like walls closing in around her. Nesta repeated over and over that Cassian wasn’t Tomas. His arms would not rise. She took a deep breath, fear of the past muddling her thoughts.

_This is Cassian, not Tomas._

He heard her dismissive hint, and now that this was hanging out in the open, he couldn't let it go. It would eat away at him, consuming him whole until they discussed the topic.“ Get out of my way. I have to get ready.” They stared each other down, tension rapidly filling the air around them. Thickening with each passing moment.

"You don't _know_?" his tone rose.

Her brows furrowed, and her face twisted in harsh coldness--in the expression she gave her coworkers when questioning choices. It was a sharp glare that many wavered underneath and one Cassian rarely experienced. "Did I stutter?" Nesta questioned her words cold, like ice.

Cassian chuckled in disbelief, “Don’t give me that look, sweetheart.” There was a sour bite to his demand tone. Usually when he called her sweetheart it was endearing and flirtatious. Nesta found herself shutting her eyes, missing the latter.

_This is Cassian, not Tomas._

“I’ll give you whatever look I please. Get out of my way and go to work. We can continue this later.”

“No. I need to know now.” Pinching the bridge of his nose, Cassian attempted to calm himself. Never once has he been worried of how any conversation with Nesta would steer. They seemed to harbor an understanding of each other that no one else could. In a way, it was like she was his mirror. But even mirrors become dusty--even mirrors shatter. 

Reaching out, he brushed a hand down her arm. “The only difference between what we're doing now and making it official is that being official is public. Unless, for some reason, it’s me." He couldn’t read the expression on her face or the flurry of emotions dancing in those stormy blues. 

Nesta worked her jaw, chewing at her bottom lip. Cassian pulled his hand back like the idea of touching her burned him. He nodded shoving past her missing the way her eyes widened with a tinge of fear. She repeated the phrase louder in her head, _Not Tomas_. Nesta tried to catch his wrist, but he moved too fast for her reach.

Dread, then panic filled her like a weight pulling her down into a darkness full of wretched visions from days past Nesta wasn’t ready to meet. The thought of making this--them--public scared her. Tomas broke her in a way she thought she’d never return from. Until Cassian came along slowly mending the cracks. 

"I.." She pauses, "No it's the idea of you..." Nesta rushed out, immediately clamping a hand over her mouth. Slowly he turned, hazel eyes wide and bright with cold burning. His mouth fell open slightly like she struck him across the face, “I mean..”

Like a rock thrown at a mirror, his heart shattered. He had to get out and fast. The air around him heavy and desolate. Suffocating him. Cassian needed air, didn’t even register he was down the hall and out into the snow covered ground. Only those words rattled in his head _No it’s the idea of you._ Nesta’s pleas, asking him to wait, were a faint echo, a frozen whisper lost to wind. He fumbled for his keys in the coat of his wool pocket. Nesta took that as her chance to dart in front of him. The situation was spiraling out of control, and she didn't know how to reign it back in. She wasn’t one to admit her mistakes. He was her weakness in every sense of the word.

"What?” he shouted, “Do you hear yourself? The mere thought of being with me in public makes you recoil. Are you fucking for real right now? "

"You're putting words in my mouth and making assumptions,” her finger pushing into his chest. _Not Tomas_. Directly where a fragment remains set beneath his chest. “You have no idea what I was going to say."

"Then what were you going to say?" he challenged.

"It's complicated. It would take time to explain.” Gods did she regret not telling him the truth so long ago. If she did, this wouldn’t be happening.

"The idea of being with me is complicated?" Allow me to fucking uncomplicate it for you, _Nesta_ . For some godsdamned reason I want to be with you. Not just behind closed doors. Cauldron help me, I don't know why." Nesta flinched as Cassian swung the door to his car open with so much force, Nesta was almost surprised it didn't come off its hinges. "But now I _do_ know that you don't want to be with me, so I'll make it easy for you. Bye, Nesta. Have a good day at work." He climbed into his car, slamming the door with such force she physically winced before watching him speed off, leaving Nesta staring after it in disbelief until losing sight of his tail lights. 

\-----

Rowan ambled into the shared breakroom of the Prythian Printing Company for Terra and Cadre magazines, humming a Christmas carol that has been stuck in his head for days thanks to Aelin’s obsession with the current holiday. He reached for the bag of coffee and began to fix a fresh pot before the joint staff meeting. Everyone would need it, especially Nesta. He’s dealt with his best friend on mornings without the caffeinated beverage and they weren’t pleasant for anyone involved. 

Pouring the grounds into the filters, he let out a yawn, thinking of the exciting weekend ahead in the Staghorn mountains. The Annual Prythian Printing Holiday Away. A stupid fucking title if you asked him--or any of his co workers in the office for that matter. But it was a fully paid weekend away at one of the most pristine winter lodges, so everyone in the office would gladly put up with a cheesy name.

Before he finished adding all the grounds, there was a click of stiletto heels coming towards him then a body pressed into his back. He smiled to himself knowing who it was. Arms sliding around him extending up resting on either side of his heart. Rowan placed the bag and filter down. Caging his fiancee’s hand with his own kissing her knuckles murmuring, “Fireheart,” as he did so. 

Aelin hummed her approval, placing a kiss between the place his shoulders met, “Hey, mister.”

Rowan turned around in her arms, settling his hands on the curve of her waist, leaning down to kiss her soundly. Aelin let out a sigh of contentment. “Hey, yourself. Are you all packed for the weekend?”

“I sure am.” She gave him her signature sly smile, he fixed her a look, she chuckled at the expression, “What? I am” Aelin was silent for a moment, “Fine. I almost am. I have one more thing to pack.” then added with a wink, “I think you’ll like what I have.”

“Oh?”

Aelin began walking her fingers up his arm. “It’s gold. It’s sheer.” She pulled on the lapel of his suit to whisper in his ear, “And it’s just for you.”

“Mmm it better be.”

She pressed into him, a wicked glint shining in her brilliant turquoise eyes, “So territorial.”

“You like it.” he teased

Before he could respond with a touch of lips, a promise of the things he would do to her in that outfit, the door to the break room was thrown open, slamming against the wall. Aelin was startled right out of his hold as Cassian stormed inside and took a seat at one of the tables. He had a distant look on his face, dark circles under his eyes, and if Rowan looked a little harder, he could see a slight red tinge to his eyes. This wasn’t the normal Cassian who, aside from Aelin and Fenrys, was one of the loudest people in their offices. Usually shouting something along the lines of, “Cas attack is back” never failing to cause Azriel and Lorcan both to side eye him. Though Lorcan would add a “nobody fucking cares” to his co worker’s declaration. This..This was the shell of that man. It unnerved Rowan. Something settled in him, telling him to check on his best friend, the editor in chief of Terra, Nesta Archeron. 

“There’s my favorite guy!” Aelin shouted in a cheerful way sliding into the seat beside Cassian. Her brother in all but blood.

Rowan scoffed throwing his hands up, her attention snapped to him, a challenge on her face, “I thought that was me? Your _fiance_?”

“You’re my buzzard.” She whispered to Cassian, eyes still on Rowan, “the territorial bastard thinks that just because he put a ring on my finger, he’s my favorite?” Aelin looked at her best friend then and frowned when he didn’t look amused in the slightest. Usually he’d be ready with a quip of his own to back her up, but there was nothing. She tried to tease, “Well, someone isn’t very energetic today,” but Cassian wasn’t having it.

He snapped at Rowan, “Is the coffee done yet or not?” Aelin rested a hand on Cassian’s shoulder and looked at Rowan who was sure his face showed nothing but shock. Cassian doesn’t snap at people. Before either of them could respond, Lysandra Ashryver, Fashion Editor for Terra, popped her head into the breakroom.

“Have any of you seen Nesta?” Cassian stiffened underneath Aelin’s hand but stayed silent. “She’s usually in her office by now on staff meeting days, but her office is still locked.” Lysandra looked at Rowan who shook his head but immediately fished his phone out of his pocket. Two missed calls and four texts from her already. The last one put him on high alert: _Rowan, I never fucking say please. But please pick up the phone._

He had barely finished reading her message, when the name _Besta Archeron_ flashed on his screen. In any other moment, he would have laughed and scolded Aelin for changing his best friend’s name in his phone _again_ , but the pit in his stomach told him this was no laughing matter.

Rowan shared a look with Aelin that said _It’s her_ before answering the phone. She nodded, turning her attention back to Cassian. Aelin knew that she and Rowan were the only ones who knew about whatever it was between Cassian and Nesta. There wasn’t a label to it but it could be equated to nothing more than friends with benefits, no matter how badly Aelin knew Cassian wanted it to be more. 

Aelin stared at her best friend for a beat before asking, “What happened?” Cassian only shook his head in response, pretending not to listen to Rowan’s conversation with Nesta.

Rowan glanced between Cassian and Aelin while answering the phone. “Nes? Are you that desperate for coffee? You know I always have it ready for you when you get here.”

There’s a pause as he listens to Nesta on the other line. “What happened?” he asked, echoing Aelin’s question for Cassian. Speaking of, Rowan's eyes landed on Cassian. Intent with a promise of threat, like a killing calm.

Aelin’s gaze passed back and forth between the two men, unaware of what transpired between Cassian and Nesta that morning. She had her suspicions of course. From the way her fiance was staring daggers at Cassian, Aelin shoved the thoughts away. Preparing to jump in between them if needed. Whatever happened, she knew both of them ached from it.

“Are you okay?” Another pause and Rowan sighed. “I won’t touch him I promise. I’ll meet you downstairs. I’ll tell Aelin.” Rowan’s frown deepened at whatever Nesta said next. He assured her, “I’m coming, Nes,” then hung up.

Aelin eyed Rowan as he made his way over to them. He only looked at Aelin, as if Cassian were non-existent. It seemed to suit him just fine as her friend blankly stared into the table. It didn’t take long for Aelin to piece together the reason for his foul mood this morning, and she tried to tell Rowan to _behave_ with her eyes. Whatever happened to make the punctual Editor in Chief late and the vibrant Sports Editor dull was hurting not only his best friend but hers, too.

Rowan’s tone held a sharp edge to it when he spoke, “I’m taking Nesta to the coffee shop around the corner. She’s postponing the staff meeting for Monday saying people won’t be focused today anyways with the trip this weekend. Tell Rhys and everyone.” 

“Of course.” 

“Is she okay?” Cassian’s voice was hoarse, either from yelling or choking back tears. Maybe both, Aelin thought.

Rowan shot him a lethal look. To his credit, Cassian didn’t flinch under Rowan’s stare, but he seemed to sink when Rowan said, “No.” Her fiance pressed a quick kiss on Aelin’s forehead before heading out in a quick jog disappearing from view.

Aelin turned back to Cassian. “Because I know you like the back of my hand,” she said, “I’m going to let you sulk this morning, but at lunch we have to go shopping, remember? I expect you to talk to me then.” Cassian didn’t say anything but she knew he heard her when he took a deep breath. She reached over squeezing his hand, he swallowed thickly. A flurry of broken emotions in his features. He nodded all the same. “It’s gonna be okay.”

With that, Aelin stood to alert the staff of the news for the meeting, leaving Cassian to his brooding. She hated to leave him alone in his suffering thoughts. The last time she saw him like this, where he looked burned from the inside out, was when he showed up on the doorstep of her foster home determined to wreak havoc on anything and anyone who got in his way. Twelve year old Aelin was the only one who couldn't be torn down--her scars were just as deep as his own--and they'd been thick as thieves ever since. Aelin almost thought this might be worse than that. Even then, her fiery spirited Illyrian had a bit of flame left in him. But now, all aspects of that spirit seemed to be torn away. 

Returning his phone to his back pocket, Rowan briskly walked to his desk pulling off the black wool coat from his chair, swiftly sliding his arms in the sleeves. He wasn’t sure which emotion pumped through him more: rage if Cassian did anything to her or genuine concern. When Nesta spoke she sounded hollow and distant, yet refused to give him many details over the phone. Being her closest friend for eight years, she didn’t need to. Most people saw her as cold and standoffish, but if you were lucky enough to get past that hardened exterior, Nesta’s rather easy to read. For instance, right now, he damn well knows whatever took place broke her. Just by the sound of her voice.

“Leaving so soon, boyo?” Fenrys quipped rifling through the candy dish sitting on the reception desk. Azriel and Elain murmuring quietly about a date that evening. He didn’t give a damn about them or anyone else in the office--save for Aelin and Nesta of course.

“Family emergency,” was all Rowan said before leaving the office behind.

As soon as the door shut, he picked up the pace running as fast as his feet could go. Fully on autopilot as he made his way down the elevator, his mind flashed back to the last time he was there for Nesta when she fought with a man. That time it had ended in his bloodied hands gripping her as he rushed her to the emergency room. Rowan prayed it wouldn’t boil down to that this time around, he wasn’t sure how his fiancee would react to him breaking her best friend’s ribs.

By the time he reached Nesta’s car, he was sure smoke was coming out of his ears. He slid into her passenger seat and his anger dissipated as he took in the fear he saw in her eyes as she stared out her windshield. “Did he touch you?”

Nesta jumped at the sound of Rowan’s voice, her gaze focusing on him before she registered what he had asked. “What? No, gods no. Cassian would never…” She looked back in front of her. “Cassian is different. He wouldn’t hurt me.”

Rowan released his breath in a _whoosh_ at that, noticing the way he could see his breath. With a clearer mind, he realized how freezing it was in her car. Nesta hadn’t turned on the heat and she wasn’t wearing a coat over her thin blouse. Whatever happened this morning, Nesta was numb, and for once, Rowan wasn’t entirely sure how to fix that. Rowan slipped out of his coat, laying it over Nesta’s shoulders. She didn’t make any move to tug the warm jacket around her.

“Nes…?”

Nesta kept her hands on the wheel staring out at the wall before covered in glittering snow. She knew Rowan had an anxious face on him, unsure if he should press the issue or not. She inhaled and exhaled deeply, steadying herself. Not exactly positive on where to start. The beginning would be good. However, that means she’d have to relive the morning scene by scene. Her heart couldn’t handle that. This morning was a shock to her system that woke up memories long since buried. Going to the heart of it didn’t seem right, either. Besides, given Rowan’s temperament, starting there would send him back upstairs in a fury--though during their fight and after, Nesta would have loved nothing more than to see Rowan punch Cassian square in the jaw. Now she couldn’t bear it. Settling on the last option seemed fitting. It was rare for her to admit it, but this was about Cassian. This was different.

“I, uh,” she trailed off fighting another wave of relenting brokenness. “Rowan,” she turned towards him, eyes lined with silver, “I fucked up.” Nesta buried her face in her hands.

Rowan noted the way she shivered under his cloak, the muffled shudder breaths. Too many feelings were taking over at once for her. Gingerly, he laid a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey. Let's switch spots. I’ll take you to get coffee so you can relax, breathe, and we can talk this over. Come on.” his tone was light, gentle yet firm. Nesta nodded unbuckling her seatbelt, Rowan doing the same.

Pushing the handle, she opened the door standing in the frigid temperature, relishing in the bitter cold that nipped at her. Rowan was by her side in an instant, pulling her into a tight embrace, Nesta buried her head into his warm chest for a moment. Unaware of a man equally as shattered as her watching from a few floors above.

Rowan pulled back, keeping an arm around her, using his other hand to lift her chin to look her in the eye. It pained him to see the despair clouding them. “It’s going to be okay, Nes.” She nodded unconvincingly and Rowan placed a kiss on her cold forehead. “You’re freezing. Let’s go,” Rowan pulled away getting into the driver’s side.

Nesta walked around the car to the passenger's side feeling a gaze on her as she moved. Reaching for the handle, she looked up to the fifth floor to find Cassian walking away. Both her heart and gut twisted all over again.


	2. Chapter 2

Cerri's Cafe was more crowded than usual on Friday mornings. Most likely due to late Christmas shoppers rushing about for caffeine before starting the desperate search of gifts. He hated this time of year, all the frantic crowds, thinking of all the shit he had to buy for everyone in his life, including Aelin's extended family. For her, he'd endure anything. For his brooding best friend tucked away in a warm booth of this rudding cafe, he'd endure this crowd. 

With all the chatter through the open space, he barely heard the instrumental of Winter Wonderland playing overhead. Rowan was grateful for Cerri and Nuala both for how quickly they worked through the long line. Before the song was over, Cerridwen called him forward, a warm, customer serving smile on her face.

"Hey, Ro! How are ya?"

"I'm good, and you?”

“Little busy today but nothing we can’t handle," she laughed pleasantly, "The usual?"

"Yeah, make it two. And…" he trailed off, thinking of Nesta sitting in the booth, most likely staring absentmindedly into the mahogany table. Knowing her as he did, Rowan doubted she ate this morning. Nesta would've picked herself up and gone straight to work. "Two breakfast sandwiches with the bacon. Extra bacon on one and one of those chocolate muffins, with the dark chips."

"Sure thing, hun. Do you want Aelin's Christmas coffee surprise too?"

He chuckled at his fiancee's ridiculous concoction. Rowan wasn't sure what exactly went in it, only that it tasted like peppermint and chocolate. A complete sugar overload. If you asked him, he didn't believe there was any coffee in the drink.

"I'll get it on the way out. I'm with Nesta. Little coffee break before a staff meeting," he replied with a tight smile, slipping out his wallet to pull out his card for her.

"Sounds great! It will be ready shortly." Cerridwen swiped the card and handed it back. 

Rowan nodded his thanks wandering towards the pick-up area. From here, Nesta was in his peripheral, but he wasn't in hers. He was watching as she pulled out her phone. First, she dialed a number and placed it to her ear. A moment later, she began typing, back to call, back to typing, occasionally tapping the cell against her temple like Nesta was desperately trying to think. Of what he couldn’t say. About who? That he could answer. Cassian.

He didn’t know how far their secret relationship had gone on--if one could even call it that. Perhaps co-workers with benefits is a better-suited title. 

To a point, Rowan understood why she didn’t want a relationship with him or anyone else. He witnessed firsthand how Tomas broke down Nesta until she was a shell of her usual self. The fear of being with someone, never knowing who they indeed are or what will happen, it’s daunting and a feeling he knew from experience. On the same side of it, that feeling is what almost cost him Aelin. He shook away the shattered expression on his fiancee's face from his mind. Seeing how Nesta is currently, Rowan couldn’t help but think that his best friend is stuck in the same position he was four years ago. 

Since his engagement party, that spark inside Nesta seemed to light up again. That night at the bar, he watched her play pool against Cassian. One game turned into two and then five. As the rounds wore on, so did the alcohol. He’d never seen her look at someone the way she did Cassian. Like a kindred soul was found. Even if the look came with pursed lips and glaring eyes.

Cassian, unlike others, was not afraid of Nesta. 

That evening he insisted on driving her home. In retrospect, Rowan should’ve known they most likely slept together then and continued to do so. Instead of thinking it happened three months later when she accidentally called him, and Cassian was there. It’s a memory he wished would be torn from his mind. Except for a laugh. No one made her laugh that way. Despite a glimpse of the intimate act he heard. By that pure unforced laughter he knew, she was truly happy.

Seeing her like this, as if Nesta lost a part of herself, he couldn’t bear it. Nesta deserved to have that happiness back. More than anyone he knew, and he was sure Aelin felt the same about Cassian. As if his fiancee heard him thinking her name, Rowan felt the buzzing in his pocket.

**_Fireheart:_ ** We have to do something. I’ve never seen him this way before.

**_Rowan:_ ** They’re adults, Fireheart. Trust me, I wish we could, too. But all we can do is support them, talk to them and offer advice.

**_Fireheart:_ ** Damn it why do you have to be right? Do you think they can fix this? Be honest Ro.

**_Rowan:_ ** If they get their heads out of their asses? Yes. I think Nes just needs time. At least I hope so.

**_Fireheart:_ ** Awww Buzzard! You ship them, how adorable. What do you think their ship name would be? Casta? Nessian?

“Rowan you’re up babe!” he nodded his thanks, seeing one more text from Aelin stating she’s joking and hopes they do too. Rowan dropped the phone back into his pocket. Stacking the two cups in one hand and grabbing the paper bag with his other, he set off to Nesta. 

Nesta caught a glimpse of Rowan squeezing in between patrons, making his way to her. She quickly tossed her cell into her bag, lest he think she's being ridiculous about it all. It wasn't like Nesta to grovel or beg for someone to respond. Cassian was different. She had known it the moment his mouth slid over hers. Protecting, yielding, and yet possessive in a way. Like he was claiming her, saying he would stand by her, no matter how grave things became, he was hers.

Rowan pushed a brown bag across the table, taking a seat in the process, “Eat,” was the only thing he said as he popped the lids off their coffees. Removing a flask from his inner pocket, he unwinded the top and poured it’s contents into their drinks. Nesta arched her brow in question to which he answered, “Meeting day and you didn’t think I’d have liquor? Come on now, Silverheart.”

She huffed out, attempting to hide her laugh at his remark and the stupid nickname, “I hate that name,” she mumbled, grabbing the bag, pulling out the sandwiches. A small smirk played on her lips at the muffin, but it was short lived. Soon after, Nesta fell back into a distant look.

They sat in silence, listening to the Christmas music overhead and the audible chattering around them. The world seemed to be moving, yet for Nesta, everything stilled. 

“Are you going to eat or just pick at chocolate chips?”

“Huh?”

His brows rose to his hairline, “Okay. I was going to wait until you ate something, but I’m on borrowed time and I think we both can agree that beating around the bush is bullshit. So here it is: I told you--no, I  _ warned _ you to be careful with Cassian. I said it would end in nothing but heartbreak. Friends with benefits doesn't work.” 

Nesta opened her mouth, to cut him off no doubt, but Rowan held up a hand to stop her. “Cut the crap, Nes. I know you, and as much as I hate to remember it, I was there for your fall out with Tomas. I was the one who literally picked up your pieces, so please, for the love of the gods, let me in and tell me everything.”

To her credit, she didn’t deny her best friend’s accusations. Nesta went rigid, leveling her gaze with him, a silent war between them. To see who would cave first. Rowan didn’t falter, keeping a hard focus on her. Steady and unwavering, refusing to give in, “ I said we would talk this over. We can’t do that if you’re sitting here sulking like a child.”

“I am not,” she glared at him, Rowan only fixed her a pointed glare as if to say, see I told you so. Then he pulled his best card.

"That night you accidentally called me. I heard that laugh. I've never heard you laugh like that. Either he's a friend or you love him." Nesta looks away, "Don't tell me it's neither. You wouldn't be hurting like this over someone who means absolutely nothing to you."

Sighing, Nesta gave in, “I don’t even know where to begin,” her attention moving back to the muffin, picking at it aimlessly.

“The beginning is a good place.”

She scoffed, “Fine.” Reaching over, Rowan grabbed the bag, “You remember when he and I helped with your proposal to Aelin?”

“How could I not? You two bickered like an old ma-” Rowan stopped mid-word, not wanting to say married and couple to her, “Yes, I remember, go on,” he said, fishing out their sandwiches, readying to hear this story of hers. He placed one before her and unwrapped the other in his hands before taking a bite of the savory bread, egg, and bacon.

“It started there. Eight months ago.”

Rowan nearly choked on his bite, grabbing his coffee to wash it down, “That’s more than half a year.”

“I can count Rowan. Do you want the story or not?”

“I assumed it was shorter. Continue.”

And she did. Recounting the past eight months of her life. From the moment she and Cassian shared a bottle of wine, going over the proposal plans, to a simple joke he made, causing Nesta to giggle. Not a laugh or a chuckle, a full-on giggle that caused her to lose balance. How Cassian caught her by the arm lifting Nesta up. One moment they were gazing at each other. The next his mouth claimed hers.

Rowan assessed her movements when she talked. A faint tinge of pink dusted her cheeks, a ghost of a smile to match. Nesta took a bite of the muffin. He didn’t think for a second it was because of hunger, but to brace herself while emotions she kept at bay began to seep in. Nesta sipped her coffee and proceeded.

She went over how this started as mainly Saturday nights, occasionally Friday nights if Rhys didn’t drag him to Rita’s while Feyre was working--or if she had plans with Rowan of course. Her eyes wandered to a couple waiting in line, the guy wrapping his arms around her waist, nuzzling against the nape of her neck. Before Nesta could stop herself, she trailed off speaking fondly of Cassian cooking with her on lazy weekends. 

“When did that start? The couple things?” Rowan questioned.

“It’s not ‘couple things’. People need to eat. In order to do that, you have to cook food, believe it or not.”

Clicking his tongue at the quip, “No shit, Archeron, and you know that’s not what I meant.”

No, it wasn’t what he meant and damn him for it. 

In truth, Nesta didn’t really know when it happened. There was just one particular Saturday morning where Cassian approached her in that way: arms circling around her, pulling her close, breathing her in and then kissing the tender spot where her neck and shoulder met. After that, he started coming over on weeknights. 

She explained how they kept things so secretive for so long. Through various texts and emails, meeting at her place, Cassian staying over. Knowing Rowan, she didn’t have to explain the why: that Tomas had tarnished the term ‘relationship’ in her mind. Nesta toyed with the wrapper as she inched closer and closer to the fight that morning. Her heart thundering in her chest, shutting her eyes, catching a breath, frantically trying to reign in her emotions. Rowan reached out, squeezing her hand.

“Recalling the past eight months, I should have seen it. The ‘couple things’ as you called it became more frequent. I don’t know what he told Rhys, but there were times he stayed almost every night,” her voice pitched and trembled, “But then I broke him.”

Pulling away from his touch, she buried her face in her hands, shoulders shaking. Rowan stood moving to her side, tucking her into his chest, stroking her hair. He wouldn’t tell a soul, not even Aelin, that he felt his shirt become increasingly wet, where Nesta’s face rested. “It’s alright you don’t have to finish.”

“No I do,” Shaking her head in protest, “You don’t know what I said.” Rowan remained silent as Nesta slowly recounted that morning, “You know with Tomas there was always a demand of rapid responses. Why, why, why, give me an answer now, and all that. I just can’t respond that way… I need a minute to sort through my thoughts before I speak.”

“I know,” he comforted, noticing the troubled look in her eyes, the slight flinch at Tomas’ name while those haunted memories resurfaced. A gentle touch along her arm let Nesta comprehend that he gets it. 

She went on about Cassian pressing the issue of being in a relationship, how she tried to work around it, stall the conversation to later when they could take time and she could fully explain why she wasn’t ready. Why she was perfectly content to keep things how they were. 

“But he wouldn’t let it go. I panicked trying to think of how to postpone the conversation until after the weekend at least, but I said, ‘it's the idea of being with you’...”

“Nesta…”

“The look he gave me," she swallowed thickly recalling his broken features on that ruggedly handsome face. As if Nesta ripped his heart out, "I may as well have held him at gunpoint and pulled the trigger. I’ve said fucked up things to people, made people cry,” she swallowed thickly, catching her fragile breaths, “But the only time I’ve wanted to take words back was that moment. I wanted to fix it. I know how, but I don't know if I can. I…” Nesta trailed off. The way she did signaled to him that she was done. 

Rowan took a long moment. Several moments to think of every expression, hitch of breaths, and pauses Nesta had done. The times a faint smile crossed her lips and the times they pursed. Until deciding on one question. Before he could ask, a familiar voice broke through.

"Is everything okay?" Nesta and Rowan turned, meeting the concerned face of Elide Lochan-Salvaterre. She had a cup of hot cocoa in her hands, a seven month belly poking out from her tweed coat.

"Fine, Elide. Shark week," he nodded at Nesta. She glared back, punching him in the arm, with all the strength she could muster. Which against someone like Rowan, wasn't much, "How are you?"

"Good. Craving some cocoa and some muffins so here I am," she laughs. Rowan gave a confused look, noting there were no muffins in sight, "I ate them already. Anyway, I have to go pick up a gift for Lor. I'll see you this weekend." With that, Elide turned and left. 

This weekend.

Nesta stilled, face paling. Due to the events this morning, she completely forgot about the weekend trip--of being secluded in the Staghorn Mountains with Cassian. Her panicked thoughts were interrupted.

"How does he make you feel?"

Nesta didn’t even hesitate before responding, "Safe." The question caught her off guard, yet her answer was the truth. Cassian made her feel safe in many ways. Like the world could fall apart, but if he was there, she’d be okay. Better yet, he would tear the world apart for her. That security she felt in his embrace, what she wouldn't do to feel it now.

He nodded, "Cassian--everyone knows, including you--is hot-headed at best. Acts first thinks later." Rowan took a long sip, finishing off the contents of his coffee, "When Aelin and I had our moment, I repeatedly asked myself two questions. One, am I ready to lose her completely? The answer was always no. Two, Is she worth the risk? The answer was always yes. That's what you have to ask yourself," Rowan paused seeing his words settling in her too many thoughts. "Hearing your actions this morning, I think you already know the answer. I have to go back to work. If you need anything call Aelin or myself.” Rowan squeezed her shoulder, standing to leave, “Take the day off and think.”

She nodded, watching him pick up the coat, handing it to her, “Take it. I don’t need you freezing your ass off.”

Nesta slipped into the large coat, big enough to swallow her entire body, “Rowan I-” 

He raised a hand cutting her off, offering a smirk, “You’d slap the shit out of me if I told you thank you. So let’s leave it at don’t mention it. Okay, Silverheart?”

A faint smile bloomed on her face, like frost appearing on a window, “As long as you don’t use that name again.”

Rowan winked, turning on his heels, and disappeared into the crowd.

\---

After a long day of work, Rowan finally strolled into his condo at six in the evening. He kicked his shoes off and tossed his keys on the counter. Due to Nesta feeling “unwell”, the women at Terra collectively decided to leave at three instead of five. Aelin offered to stay behind for him and Cassian--the men at the Cadre had no excuse to leave early--but Rowan insisted she leave since finishing her packing would most likely take her several hours. 

Though he hoped she would be awake and packing, he was unsurprised to see Aelin sprawled out on the sofa in sweatpants and his hoodie. With  _ Fangs and Bangs _ blaring on the tv, her mouth hanging open as she snored. Aelin’s chest and the floor were both littered with festive candy wrappers. Rowan sighed at the box sitting on their coffee table, her mother’s Christmas box she sends every year. 

“Aelin,” he said loudly, picking up the card from the table. “Fireheart,” he tried again, eyes scanning the handwritten note.

_ Fireheart, _

_ Enjoy the chocolates. I added extra for Rowan. I can’t believe I have to say this, but share with your fiance. We will see both of you at the New Year's party! Tell Rowan, Lysandra, and Aedion hi for me. Oh, and let them know their package will come in a few days. _

_ Love, _

_ Mom _

Rowan plucked the box from the table. Giving it a good shake, he only heard one chocolate jumping around. Gods this woman. 

“Aelin!” Still nothing. “Fine.” Reaching down he grabbed a handful of foil wrappers, crinkling them in his hand. At the sound, Aelin shot up, fully alert, “Thanks for saving me  _ a chocolate,”  _ Rowan deadpanned, tossing the wrappers at her.

“Welcome,” she yawned out, stretching her arms. “I guess I needed a nap after some holiday treats.”

Pine green eyes grew wide in disbelief “Some!?!” he questioned incredulously. “Ace, the fucking box is  _ gone _ .”

“I left one,” she grumbled, reaching for the remote. “Besides with the events today, I needed it.”

“It was hard for me, too,” Rowan trailed off.

Aelin picked up an amber colored bottle. Holding it by the neck, she said, “Your weird friend Vaughan sent this extremely old, incredibly good whiskey. We can have a glass and talk about how our best friends are annoyingly in love with each other.”

Rowan happily obliged, moving into the kitchen to grab glasses before joining her on the couch. He gave each of them a generous pour. They clinked their glasses, saluting their idiot best friends, and took a sip. Rowan winced slightly at the burn, and said, “Since you failed to save me any chocolate, you first.”

Aelin nodded, taking a second swig before starting. “It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen, Rowan. I offered to help him pick out a Secret Santa gift for Lysandra--”

“You aren’t supposed to know who he got,” her fiance interrupted, but she ignored him.

“But everything I picked up reminded him of Nesta. Gourmet chocolates, ‘Nesta loves gourmet chocolates’, steamy romance novel? ‘ _ Nesta _ reads steamy romance novels’. I had to slap him upside the head because, hello? Every woman loves gourmet chocolate and books about sex. Nesta isn’t special.” Aelin fumed and took another sip, “but then he hit me with his sad eyes and told me he loves her but believes she doesn’t love him back.”

Rowan scoffed at that, “He couldn’t be further from the truth, honestly. But Nesta… Nesta is still scared, you know? This morning when we went to coffee, I could practically smell the fear rolling off her shoulders. You remember how she was after Tomas. I’m honestly kind of surprised she let someone touch her this soon.” Aelin nodded.

“And that’s what I told Cassian,” she held up a hand when he opened his mouth to interrupt again, “Before you say whatever it is you’re about to say, I told him that it wasn’t my story to tell, but it was bad. I think I reassured him somewhat at least. Looking back on my interactions with her at work, I noticed there were times that she seemed happier than I’ve seen her since before Tomas. Now I realize that it was because of him, so he can’t give up yet.”

“You told him she runs in the opposite direction at the word ‘relationship’?”

“Sure did.”

It was Rowan’s turn to nod. “Good, that’s good. Well, what do we do now? Because we both know those two aren’t going to get together on their own.” Aelin paused to think about this for a second when Rowan’s phone buzzed. “It’s her,” he said, “and will you please stop changing her name to  _ Besta _ in my phone?” Rowan rolled his eyes when his fiancee whispered  _ Speaker phone,  _ he obliged and pressed the button. “Hey, Nes, what’s up?”

Nesta’s frantic voice filled their living room, “Switch Secret Santas with me.” Rowan cut a glance at Aelin who rolled her eyes and mouthed,  _ I already knew, buzzard _ . Rowan narrowed his eyes, not surprised, but curious as to how she obtained this information.

“Why do you want to switch? I’d have no time to find a gift.”

“You don’t have to worry about that. I already bought Amren a ruby necklace,” she explained, “You can give it to her. I just… I need Cassian.” They all paused, Rowan’s eyes finding Aelin’s. “I mean, I need to give a gift to Cassian, and I’m not sure that he would take anything from me unless he didn’t know who it was from. I know you’re scared of Amren-”

“I’m not,” Rowan interjected far too quickly, Aelin’s shoulders shaking in a fit of laughter, he cut a sharp look to her, “I’m not scared of her.”  Rowan rubbed his chin, concern etched on his face, “Are you sure that’s a good idea, Nes? Everyone will be there for the exchange, and--”

Aelin clamped a hand over his mouth to stop him from discouraging Nesta and whatever plan she had in mind. Aelin chimed in, “He’d love to switch Secret Santas with you, Nesta.”

Nesta’s breath of relief sounded through the phone. “Great. I owe you one. I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

Nesta hung up and Rowan whirled on Aelin. “What are you scheming right now, Aelin?”

His fiancee shrugged, knocking back the rest of her whiskey. “It sounded like Nesta had a plan to reach out to Cassian, and that’s huge, coming from her. It’s all part of Plan Nessian.”

Rowan choked on his whiskey, “Nessian? That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”

"Did you not see my text earlier? I asked Nessian or Casta." An exasperated look on her features taking a swig of the smooth whiskey. 

Rowan arched his brows, "You said ‘lol I'm joking I hope they do too.’"

"Well," Aelin replied standing up, "I changed my mind. Say it's Nessian and I'll try the gold thing on."

It took Rowan less than three seconds to agree, "Fine." Aelin glanced over, readying to correct him. She held her glass of whiskey towards him. Rowan rolled his eyes, "Plan Nessian. Happy?" 

He clinked the glass with hers while Aelin beamed with a satisfying grin, "Very." She replied by taking the glasses and placing them on the table. Aelin laced her fingers with her fiance, "Come on, I have something to show you."

  
  


Rhysand had just finished wrapping Feyre’s Secret Santa gift when he got a call from the woman herself. He smiled wide at the photo of her that took up his screen: a candid photo he took at Rowan and Aelin’s engagement party. Three years and the image of his best friend still never ceases to make his heart clench and flutter simultaneously.

He answered on the last ring, switching to speaker phone, “Hello, Feyre, Darling!” His grin widened even though she couldn’t see him.

But Feyre, who is always in tune with Rhys’ moods, sighed and said, “Wipe that grin off your face, Rhys. I have bad news.” Rhys panicked briefly wondering what it could be when she went on, “I’m not going to make it on the trip this weekend.”

Rhysand’s heart sank and he glanced at the gift he picked out for her: a brand new graphic design tablet he knew she’s been saving extra money for. He recognized that he can still give it to her when they got back, but he was looking forward to spending this weekend in the mountains with her. “You don’t want to go anymore?”

She huffed, “I didn’t say that, Rhys. Clare asked if I could take her double-closing shift tonight, and I said yes.”

“You can’t get out of it?”

“I mean, I probably can, but I don’t want to. I need the money, Rhys, you know that.”

Rhys suppressed a sigh. He did know that. But his best friend was too stubborn to accept help from him and there was no way any of her older sister would offer assistance. “Fine, fine, but why does that mean you have to miss the whole weekend? Why not head up tomorrow?”

“A six hour round trip by myself? Do you know how much that would cost me in gas? It’s okay, honestly. I’ll see if Ressina has any shifts I can pick up at the studio this weekend. And there’s always the bar.” Rhys scowled at the thought of her fishing for more time at the seedy dive bar while he’s hours away. He knows she can hold her own, but honestly it makes him feel better when he’s there to fend off unwanted flirtations.

He considered his options for a moment, going out on a limb to offer, “What if I paid for your Uber into the mountains?”

“That’s not an option, and you know it, but I appreciate the attempt.” Cassian chose that moment to barge into their shared apartment. Rhys watched as he stormed into the kitchen, threw open the fridge, and stared as though the contents within would talk to him. He returned his attention to Feyre, but kept his eye on his roommate. “I’m going to call Nesta and let her know.”

That made Rhys pause. “Why would you need to call Nesta?” Rhys noted the way Cassian’s shoulders stiffened at the mention of her name. That’s strange.

“She, um,” Feyre paused. “She paid for my trip, so I have to tell her I have to cancel.” Sensing his surprise, she rushed to go on, “It was only because Elain asked her to. She thought it would be fun for all of us to go on vacation together.” That made sense to Rhys, sounding more like the Nesta Archeron he worked with. He didn’t think Nesta and Feyre were on speaking terms, but he knew Nesta would do anything for Elain. “I’m going to give her a call now, okay? I’ll text you?”

“If you insist, Feyre, darling. Let me know if you need anything,” he said and hung up. Rhys turned to his roommate in the kitchen who was haphazardly throwing together a sandwich with ham, cheese, and… marshmallow fluff? “You okay, man?”

Cassian didn’t answer, but his eyes cut to his phone that lit up with a call. He looked at it and Rhys thought that maybe he discovered a way to answer it telepathically. Cassian waited until his screen went black then resumed his experimental sandwich-making. “Do you wanna tell me why you’re using marshmallow fluff instead of mayo and ignoring those calls?”

His roommate threw his knife into the sink and cut Rhys with a look. “Do  _ you _ wanna tell me why  _ you _ look like someone just kicked your puppy after talking to Feyre?” The two of them stared at each other, an uncomfortable silence filling the room, until Rhys identified a new emotion in Cassian’s eyes, so he dropped his gaze.

“Let’s just drop it, brother. Are you almost packed? I'm planning to head out in an hour.” In answer, Cassian threw his sandwich in the trash and stormed to his room and shut the door. 

In his room, Cassian leaned against the door and dropped his head into his hands. He pressed on his eyes, desperate to keep the tears that threatened to fall at bay. 

"If you aren’t ready, I’m leaving without you!” hearing his roommate's voice through the door. 

Usually, Cassian would retort with a challenging phrase full of wit and charm. Tonight, he was deflated, devoid of emotions. Save for hollowness and rage. Perhaps a little confusion. His mind, an entirely different story. A wreck, like a mental car crash everytime he raced through the events of the day. From his failed morning with Nesta to his lunch out shopping with Aelin. The conversation with Aelin that afternoon felt like a band-aid. As the day wore on, he realized its more like salt in a wound. Not to his best friend’s fault at all, but  _ hers. _

With a frustrated groan, he pushed off the door and made his way to the closet. His hands on raging autopilot, furiously tugging jeans and shirts off their hangers and throwing them into his duffle bag. Not giving a damn how they fit, looked, or even if they matched. 

A week ago, Cassian was overly delighted about the weekend in the mountains. Spending the time with the friends he’s made since working at Cadre. And he was definitely looking forward to the time he would get to spend with Nesta in their room. But supposed that was part of the problem, too. Cassian wanted more than to keep to hotel rooms, sneak into the spa or the heated pool. The only thing he truly wanted, was to be with her. Openly. At the bar, in the rec rooms and sitting with Nesta at meals. He wished to share a room with her the way many of his coworkers did with their significant others. 

Aelin, cauldron bless, tried to help this afternoon. Reassuring him that it would be okay. Nesta needed time. That a dark past haunted her causing her reluctance, forcing her to run away from commitment. He wondered briefly if this was the reason she reached for him in the middle of night, pulling Cassian around her. As if he could protect Nesta, shield her from whatever nightmares took place. And then there were the nights where Nesta tossed and turned, waking up with a haunted look until she relaxed at his touch. As if his touch alone told her something he didn't understand yet. In the moment, it eased his mind. It allowed him to recognize the heartbreak in those stormy blues he adored so much. That perhaps all was not lost. 

Then those six words seeped inside his mind, weighing him down like an anchor pulling him into the darkness of the deep ocean.

_ The idea of being with you. _

She didn't want it, didn't want him. The words rang through his head all day. A dreary reminder of the morning. The woman who stole his heart years before he made a move. He was foolish to believe anything else would happen between the two. Nesta stated all those months ago this was purely physical. Nothing else, nothing more. Cassian, fool that he is, was desperate enough to have her, to drown in the taste of her, that he caved. 

Over the course of time, it seemed Nesta was warming to the idea. True, Cassian pushed the limits. Staying over frequently and longer. Cooking for and with her. Secretly ordering lunch and coffee for her at work. Hell, he even started leaving his belongings at her place. If Nesta believed Cassian went too far, she never said a thing. It wasn't just the domestic notions, it was the looks. 

In the beginning, Nesta constantly stared him down, as if Cassian and only Cassian alone were the bane of her existence. Like everything he did and said caused Nesta to want to throttle him. To his benefit this throttle was her body connecting with his. Then it turned into hiding smiles at her desk from messages he sent. Snuggling up to him on the couch. Often falling asleep where he'd carry her to bed. Apparently, none of this meant anything. He was only there to scratch an itch of intimacy and domestic bliss. 

His phone buzzed for the hundredth time that day. It's like the very thought of her was a calling card. He watched again as Nesta with her sharp side eye popped up on the phone. His stomach churned, and Cassian swallowed down the nauseated feeling. Since the first call, he wanted to answer. Rage still coursed through him and he thought better of it. Perhaps Nesta did feel bad, but he wasn't ready to hear it and face more rejection from a woman he would die for. It terrified him in a way, the lengths he would go for Nesta. Regardless of how she hurt him, how angry is with her, there's nothing he wouldn't do to ensure her safety.

But still, he couldn't answer. Cassian tossed the phone on his dresser. It slid from the force of his throw and landed next to a rectangular box wrapped in silver, a crimson bow settled on top. Nesta's gift. Picking it up, he ran a finger along the edges, wondering if he should take it on the trip or not. He remembered seeing it in the store and knew immediately it was hers. 

At that precise moment his phone lit up. A text this time. During the day, Nesta switched from calls to texts. It seemed like the habit went into the night. Her texts were always short and curt.

_ Fucking stubborn Illyrian asshole, answer the phone.  _

_ Let me explain. _

_ Be a godsdamned man and answer the phone. _

_ Go to hell prick _ .

_ I thought you were better than this. _

This message resulted in a different form of unease. Because this one had an attachment. Like rapid fire, it was image, after image, after image. Nesta didn't take pictures. He remembers this from months ago. She only takes pictures of things, people who have profound meaning in her life. Which was mainly her sisters. Curiosity compelled him to look. Hands vibrating as he clicked to unlock the phone. Tapping on the notification. His jaw slackened, his hands grew slippery unexpectedly. Cassian's heart beating so rapidly he found it hard to focus. Hundreds of new thoughts swirled in his brain. Nothing made sense. Scrolling through the images they were all of him. Every single one. Candid images of him sleeping, cooking, reading, and massaging her feet. 

Time must've slipped away until there was a loud bang on his door. Cassian jumped at the sound.

"Five minutes, brother, are you ready?"

"Yeah." Swiping belongings from the dresser, Cassian finished packing. Preparing for the long and what was sure to be an eventful weekend ahead.

Nesta stared at her phone, the words  _ Read at 5:23PM _ glaring back at her. She scrolled back up through the photos she just sent Cassian as a last ditch effort to get him to call her back. She glanced at her clock on her wall. 9:47. If she was in the right mind, she could give him the benefit of the doubt that he had fallen asleep in the car or had just arrived at the cabin and was saying hello to everyone.

But she wasn’t in the right mind, and it was racing with all the possibilities of further rejection from him. She threw her phone on her coffee table and collapsed back on the couch. She crossed her arms over her face, wishing her brain would stop moving at a mile a minute. Her panic was rising, and she wasn’t at all sure that she would be able to come back down if it got too high. 

Nesta's phone buzzed, dancing across the table, jerking her into a sitting position. For the slightest moment, her nerves shook, her heart clenching in apprehension, and her gut turned into tight little knots. Until she realized the name wasn’t the one she was expecting. She wasn't sure whether to find this comforting or not. Nesta swiped the phone, accepting the call.

"What do you want, Feyre?" Her voice strained, slightly perturbed. 

"Are you okay?"

"Fine. Long day at work,” she lied, “Now, what?" She asked curtly, rubbing her temples.

"Tomorrow.” Feyre stated, making Nesta roll her eyes.

“Feyre, I'm exhausted. For the love of God will you just get to the damned point." Nesta stated, not caring how pathetic her pleading sounded. She only wanted this conversation over with. Partly in case Cassian replied. But mostly because the oldest Archeron wanted--no,  _ needed _ \--sleep. And lots of it to prepare for close quarters with the Illyrian. 

"Fine," Feyre sucked in a breath over the phone, "I know you paid for my spot already, but I can't go to the weekend retreat anymore. Clare's giving up her shift tonight, and the money is too good to pass up. My loans are due next week. My rent and car insurance are due the following week."

"Then drive up tomorrow." Standing from the sofa, Nesta strolled to her bedroom. Suddenly thankful, her sister was on the phone, serving as a distraction from the memories of this morning when passing her bathroom.

"The shift doesn’t start until ten. Which means I will get out at three am at the earliest. But then again, it's a Friday so there's a good chance I'm getting home until five. I can't make a three hour drive up into the Staghorns by myself on limited sleep."

Nesta switched her phone to speaker, pulling up an app. "How much are your loans?"

"No. Absolutely not. Nesta you do enough. I'm still gonna take the shift." Feyre argued back. "The money…" Nesta heard the desperation in her tone. How much she knew Feyre hated being weak. That bastard ex of hers left her baby sister struggling in more ways than one.

"Last I checked  _ No _ isn't a number. How much?" 

Feyre stayed silent on the line. Nesta could hear her moving about her apartment. The sound of a door, possibly a cabinet closing. Nesta took the opportunity tapping a few keys.

"There I sent you a venmo. That should cover your loan payment this month. If you want to work and save the money, that’s fine. As for this weekend, I'm not leaving until tomorrow. You can ride with me and sleep on the drive. My place, eight am."

"You didn't have to-"

"I did. One, you need it. Two, I can't handle Rhysand brooding because you're not there. Now I'm going to bed. Good night, Feyre."

"Night, Nes."

Nesta clicked off her phone, plugging it into the charger. Sliding underneath blankets and comforters, her eyes landed on a tie resting on the opposite nightstand. One she found earlier while cleaning after her talk with Rowan that morning. The silken tie is what caused her to devise this plan of switching Secret Santas with Rowan. In an attempt to right what she wronged. To tell Cassian how she felt and come clean about a haunted past. 

As she closed her eyes, images of that tie came into play behind her lids. Her coiling a hand over it and pulling Cassian down on her as he laughed against her mouth. Nesta turned away from the fabric.

Her bed, she realized, felt cold, empty, and far too big for one person. Nesta tossed and turned for the better part of an hour before gathering herself and sleeping on the couch for a night of uneasy rest. And for what was sure to be an equally uneasy weekend. But, she had a plan and that was a start.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: slight NSFW

Aelin woke to strong fingers tracing gentle circles on her shoulder. She sighed with content but didn’t open her eyes. Four years and she still couldn’t believe the jackass with silver hair and an insufferable smirk would turn into the person she couldn’t live without. The person that made her want to live.

The fingers on her shoulder moved farther down her arm and back up again to cup her face. Her fiance leaned in and left the ghost of a kiss on her lips that had her eyes fluttering open. She smiled into those pine green eyes she grew to love so much. “Good morning, Fireheart,” he whispered.

She snuggled closer to him, savoring the warmth of his body in contrast to the chilly cabin air. Her leg hit something hard and memories of drunken kisses and frenzied undressing from the night before flashed through her mind. “Good morning, indeed,” she laughed. He burrowed his head into the crook of her neck, nipping the tender spot with his teeth. Aelin yelped about to pull back when teeth turned into warm lips against her pulse that elicited a full body shiver from her.

“Rowan,” she sighed, but her fiance didn’t stop, trailing kisses down her neck before coming back up. His lips traced her jaw line moving toward her mouth, claiming his lips with hers. They laid there for gods knew how long, skin to skin, tongues dancing. At some point, one of Rowan’s wandering hands found her bare breast, his fingers playing with a peaked nipple. Aelin moaned into Rowan’s mouth, earning a satisfied chuckle from the man. Asshole.

Aelin took matters into her own hands, swinging a leg over Rowan and using her momentum to roll him onto his back, never breaking their lip lock. It was Rowan’s turn to moan as she began to grind her hips against his, her already wet core moving along his length. She reached between their bodies, using one hand on his chest to brace herself and the other to line him up to her entrance.

Aelin’s eyes never left Rowan’s as she sank down slowly. They both groaned once he was deep inside her, buried to the hilt. Aelin leaned down to claim his lips again, rolling her hips against his lazily. They had all the time in the world.

Until a loud, incessant knock on their door caused them to still. Aelin brought a finger to her lips. A sign of silence. “Maybe it’s just Rhysand giving everyone a wake up call,” she whispered.

Rowan nodded. “Do you remember if we locked the door last night?”

Before Aelin could answer, the door burst open. Aelin scrambled to pull the covers up as she slid off Rowan, groaning at the sudden emptiness, and covered Rowan’s erection with a pillow using Fae-like speed.

They looked at each other then to their intruder. “Uh, come in…?” Rowan asked Cassian, the man now pacing their room, hands fisted in his hair. Aelin scanned her best friend, taking note of the dark circles under his eyes, his hair sticking up from where she was sure his fingers stayed all night long.

She shot an apologetic glance at Rowan who gaped at her. “You can’t be serious,” he hissed.

“Look at him, Rowan!” Aelin whisper-yelled back. “I can't send him back out there by himself like this.” She gestured at Cassian. He walked over to the chair in the corner of the room, plopped down and dropped his head into his hands. Fully ignoring their heated squabble.

“I can’t do this.” he groaned. “I have to go home.”

Aelin looked at Rowan again with pleading eyes that said, _You’d do it for Nesta._ Her fiance stared her down a beat longer before squinting his eyes. _Fine_. Aelin watched Rowan grab another blanket from the foot of the bed to wrap around his waist as he made his way to the en suite bathroom. He kept glancing to make sure Cassian wasn’t looking at him, but honestly, Aelin was positive that Rowan could do the macarena in his current state and the other man wouldn’t have noticed.

Without leaving the bed, Aelin reached for any clothes within an arm's distance--her leggings and Rowan’s undershirt--then made her way to her best friend. Her mind took her back to when they met almost twenty years ago.

They weren’t fast friends by any means. After the tragic death of her parents when she was just seven years old, Aelin was tossed around four foster homes in as many years until the one she shared with Cassian. Their fiery personalities clashed in every way from the very beginning. Their take-no-shit mindsets made for constant pranks and punishments that neither of them really cared for. It was just a means of distraction for Aelin, and she later learned it was the same for Cassian.

That all changed the day eleven year old Cassian found ten year old Aelin in the corner of the common room, knees tucked in, silently crying. He was on his way for his daily prank, but stopped short at the sight of this broken version of Aelin. Without a word or second thought, he leaned against the wall next to her, and pulled her sideways onto his lap.

It didn’t take long for the young blonde to wrap her arms around his neck and cry. To the young boy’s credit, he didn’t flinch from the moisture on his shirt. He only held her and whispered, “I know,” until her body-shaking sobs subsided. That was the first time Aelin had someone to mourn the anniversary of her parents’ death with. From that day forward, instead of turning on each other, they came together as best friends. Just the two of them against the world and never looked back.

Aelin brought herself back to the present, stepping in front of Cassian. She extracted his rough fingers from his hair, silently guiding him off the chair and to his feet. Pulling him to the floor, he leaned against the wall. She climbed into his lap like she did all those years ago and every difficult moment after. Only this time, it was her turn to lend a shoulder for him to lean on. It had been a long while since the last time Aelin was the comforter, Cassian the comforted, and she couldn’t help but think about how deeply he must feel for Nesta for him to get this way.

She wasn’t a patient person, but Aelin waited for Cassian to speak first. At some point, Rowan emerged from the bathroom dressed for the day. He gave a reassuring nod before heading out to meet the rest of the crew downstairs.

Cassian released a long breath as the door shut. Aelin inspected the grim expression on his face, bags under his eyes. Eyes that still looked broken, though not as hollow as yesterday. She wondered if he had a plan, like Nesta. 

A part of her wanted to confide in him, tell Cassian about Nesta’s call to Rowan. They told each other everything, but she wasn’t a gossip. Oddly enough, that title fell on her fiance of all people. They call him Tea-Spiller at the office. Most of their coworkers had to be sure Rowan wasn’t in the room before talking about anything confidential. If he was, they knew information would get out somehow. This moment wasn’t about Rowan and his gossip king status. This was about Cassian. 

Looking at this distraught version of her best friend, she had to give him something. She searched her brain until she found a seed of information she could tell him. It was a risk to tell him in this manner. If Aelin loved one game, it was a game of high risk, high reward.

“You know you don’t have to go home to see her?” Aelin questioned, waiting to gauge his reaction, “She’s arriving soon. She had to pick up Feyre.”

His tired eyes found hers, “I know.”

“You do?” She could hardly hide her surprise. Panic or maybe even him seemingly relaxed by her statement was what Aelin expected. But a calm two worded phrase? She didn’t know what to make of it. Aelin angled her head to the left, getting a better look at him, “You talked to her?”

“No. Hell no. She texted me.” Cassian confessed with a sudden interest the curtains.

“Can I see the message?” His lips pulled into a thin line at the same time his jaw tightened, “Have you been texting her back?”

“No…” the way Cassian trailed it off, like a child about to be scolded, she knew that no. He was hiding something. By his reluctance, it was something big Nesta revealed or really fucking dumb that he did. 

“Let me see the rudding phone you prick. What did you tell her?”

“Nothing! I haven’t said a damn thing.”

“Then show me her message.” Aelin climbed off his lap, a hand on her hip, her other outstretched to him, “I can’t help you decode her if you don’t show me.”

He sighed, pulling out his phone, slapping it in her palm. Aelin offered a reassuring smile, typing in his passcode. She heard him murmuring about changing it, but she chose to ignore him. His passwords were always easy to guess. Knowing Nesta attempted to call Cassian many times, Aelin ignored the curiosity to check and see if he called her. Not wanting to invade his privacy, it was easy to push the thought away. Flicking to his messages, Nesta, not to her surprise was at the top. Only the word _Um,_ could be seen until Aelin opened the message itself.

_Um,_

_I know you’re not gonna respond. Take this as me being considerate. Feyre needs help getting to the lodge. I’ll be arriving later than intended. So if you want to keep away or whatever I’m letting you know._

_Bye_

She’s testing him, Aelin realized. Not to see if he’d respond, but if he’d stay near the entrance of the lodge and wait for her arrival or make himself scarce. Ingenious move, if she was to be honest. The previous message above caught her attention. An images of her best friend. Sent last night from Nesta. Not one, there were several sent as a chain. Aelin pursed her lips, gazing at all of them for any sign of, well, anything. A pattern, a reason why she sent these images. There was none to be seen.

“She...sent pictures..of you? To yourself?”

Cassian braced himself before speaking, “Nesta--” he paused, her name off his lips felt strange and distant, “She only takes pictures of people that mean something to her. In her phone, it’s mainly her sisters. Rowan’s probably in there somewhere, too.” Aelin shoved him with enough force he almost fell over, “What the fuck?”

“Are you that dense Cassian?” Aelin shook the phone in his face, pointing vigorously at the images, “She basically screamed in your face that she loves you.”

“Yesterday she said that--” he couldn’t bring himself to say it. The phrase that has been haunting him for the past twenty-four hours. Aelin knew the words he meant. “It’s just complicated.”

She tossed his phone back at him, the device landing at his feet, “Allow me to uncomplicate it for you. Secret Boyfriend and Secret Girlfriend had a fight,” Cassian went to correct her, but Aelin lifted a finger in warning. “Secret Girlfriend said something she clearly regrets and has been trying to contact the stubborn Secret Boyfriend. Secret Boyfriend won’t answer even though he wants to, anyone with eyes can see it. On top of this, Secret Girlfriend only takes photos of people that mean something to her. She sends photos of Secret Boyfriend-- _someone who means something to her_ \--to himself.”

He pressed the bottom of his palms into his temples. Rubbing vigorously, fingers dropping into his hair gripping the strands. None of this made sense to him. If Aelin was correct, and usually she was, then why. Why can’t Nesta simply be with him? He spent the majority of the drive and more than half the night trying to figure out the mystery that is Nesta Archeron and her reluctance to relationships. None of it seemed to connect. Throughout his restless sleep, Cassian contemplated texting her. He decided it against it, hoping to give her some semblance of rest.

“I need to know what happened in her past.” 

Aelin sat up a little straighter, an unwavering expression in her eyes, “I told you I can’t. It’s personal. _You_ need to talk to her.”

They were at an impasse. He knew she wouldn’t let up. Her stoic expression and firm tone told him Aelin would not falter. Sooner or later, he’d have to face Nesta if he wanted the chance to be with her. The fear of her walking away permanently weighed heavy on his mind. Like the confession would cause his aching heart to plummet from his chest. 

Bracing his arms over his knees, Cassian let his head hit the wall and gazed up at the ceiling. “I have to know, so I can prepare. If you're right, and I do actually mean something to her, that’s great. If she wants to be with me again, great.” He sighed deeply, “but if for any reason she says 'not right now'...” he let out a steadying breath, “Aelin, I don't know if I can go through that again."

“I don’t think she will.” Aelin responded tenderly. “I think she just needs time babe.”

A realization dawned on her. Cassian’s affections for her superior, her fiance’s best friend was nothing new. He sounded like a man who only recently received something--or in this case someone--he’s longed for, for quite some time. Aelin joined him on the floor again, looping her arm with his, resting her head on his shoulder.

“How long?” she didn’t have to ask him about it, the fond chuckle and relaxed grin like he was recalling a happier time told Aelin he knew what answer she seeked.

“The day we met before I started at Cadre,” Cassian stared up at the ceiling, in a way that seemed the cream colored paint turned into a screen, where he relived the moment. The evening before he started and Aelin decided to host a barbecue welcoming the newest member to the team. Rowan made sure Nesta was in attendance. Cassian couldn’t keep his eyes off her. When he tried to, instinctively he would find her again. The moment her stormy-blues met his, he was done for. A feeling shifted inside of him, telling him not now but one day, this breath stealing beauty of a woman, who took no shit from no one, would be his. “I don’t know how, but I knew then she was it for me.”

Aelin pulled away for a moment, “Didn’t she say if you looked at her again, she would kill you?”

“Yeah,” he replied fondly.

They sat together in the comfortable silence of the room. Cassian closed his eyes, practically dozing off the way they used to when they were kids. Until Aelin broke the silence, his eyes flashed open. 

“First week I met Rowan I punched him. Twice. On purpose,” she laughed, “Once between the eyes and the other at his jaw. I went home that night and thought about punching his mouth with my own,” Aelin held up her hand, the engagement ring shimmering in the sunlight through the window, “Now look we’re getting married,” Aelin erupted into a fit laughter. ”We really know how to pick them, huh?”

Moments ago, they were sitting how they did as kids, when one or the other needed comfort. Now they sat, hunching over in laughter, the way they did after drinking too much in their college days. The two of them were too drunk or high to move an inch. So they’d sit and laugh until they passed out. This time when the laughter slowed, there was no sleeping. Only a loud grumble from Cassian.

“When was the last time you ate, dumbass?”

Cassian shrugged. Possibly a few chips from Rhys’ snacks on the drive up was all he ate yesterday now that he’s actively thinking about it. Being nauseous most of the day and his emotions running at a marathon level pulled him away from things like eating.

“Rudding hell. You know what you need?” Cassian grunted in response. “You need food. Come on, I heard there will be bottomless mimosas.” She stood up from the floor and held her hands out to pull him up. He raised an eyebrow at her but linked hands with her anyway.

“I don’t trust you to pull me up from the floor, Tiny Fireball,” he teased, spirits lightening just a little. She had already pulled him halfway off the floor before letting go of his hands. “Hey!”

“You’re on your own now. When I was 13, that name was cute. I’m an adult and I’m five foot seven. I’m _tall_ ,” she pouted.

Cassian laughed, pushing himself off the floor. Standing up straight, he puffed out his chest and looked down at her. “And I’m six-three,” he stated. “You’re most certainly _not_ tall.” He patted her head for good measure and grunted when she punched him in the gut.

“Why do I put up with you?” she mumbled, making her way to the bathroom and shutting the door.

“Because you love me!” he shouted through the door. Aelin rolled her eyes and quickly got ready for the morning. When they arrived downstairs, breakfast was already underway, everyone scattered around the dining room. She briefly caught Rowan’s eye and gave a tight lipped smile. _Could be better_ , she told him with her eyes. He raised his glass in a silent toast to Plan Nessian.

Aelin went to the buffet and began piling food onto her plate. Eggs, bacon, waffles _and_ pancakes--because both are amazing. She had just made her way to the chocolate covered strawberries when she noticed Cassian had only picked up a chocolate muffin, holding it in his hand, the other in his pocket. She followed his gaze as it moved around the room. 

Cassian visibly slumped as his eyes jumped from couple to couple. Elain and Azriel talking to Lorcan with an arm around Elide’s shoulders, his hand resting on her swollen belly. Vaughan and Gavriel chatting with Lysandra and Aedion. Lysandra looking a little pale in the face, Aedion inching closer. Most likely to check and make sure she was okay. Her sister in law only having water in front of her. Odd being her love of mimosas. Aelin sighed, handing him her plate and moved to make another for herself.

“You need to eat. We’re getting tipsy and I will not take no for an answer,” her eyes scanned the crowd until she found who she was looking for. “I know just the people to get us there,” she said, making a beeline to Fenrys and Morrigan at the end of the table. Though from this angle, the disastrous duo appeared to be passed out across the table. Mor leaning into Fenrys, You couldn’t tell where his blonde locks ended and hers began. Aelin tugged Cassian’s sleeve pulling him with her to the table.

“Hey” Aelin shoved Fenrys, who groaned in exhaustion, “Drunk and Drunker.”

“Go away. We’re sleeping, boyo babe,” Fenrys muttered out against the table. Mor pointed a finger over his head, agreeing with him.

Aelin pinched the bridge of her nose, “Listen. Cassian has had a rough twenty-four hours, we need to get him tipsy so he can relax.”

At that, both of them jumped up in unison, wolfish grins on their faces, “I’ll go get a pitcher of mimosas, the bartender owes us one,” Mor chimed in, “You sit there. I’ll be back.”

“Ask her about tonight.” Fenrys added. Mor rolled her eyes walking away. No one in either office knew what exactly Fenrys and Mor were to each other. In all honesty, they probably didn’t know either. What everyone did know, was that they often shared beds with multiple people.

Before Fenrys could ask what’s wrong with Cassian, Rhysand strolled in the room, clearing his throat.

Since Nesta was still absent, he addressed the staff of the two companies, “Alright, everybody! We're having our annual sledding competition in a few hours. Terra’s Editor in Chief is en route to us now, so we’ll get started shortly after she gets here! Feel free to do what you do around the lodge for now.”

Fenrys piped up, “Ohh, I knew someone was missing. Nesta’s driving up here by herself?” Cassian stiffened beside Aelin at the sound of her name. 

“She’s driving Feyre,” Rhys supplied.

Fenrys cackled, “Are you sure they’re going to be alive when they get here?” Rhys snorted at that. Everyone laughed but Aelin and her two favorite males whose nostrils both flared. To most, Feyre and Nesta haven’t spoken in years, only when Elain forces them into the same room. But even then, they’re hardly civil. But thanks to her tea-spilling fiance, Aelin knew the truth about Nesta that few did. She wished people’s views of Nesta were different.

“I guess we’ll see,” Rhys laughed.

\---

Feyre blinked against the morning sun, clearing the sleep from her eyes. A quick glance at the clock on the car radio told her she slept almost the entire way into the mountains. They were only 45 minutes away from the lodge. Nesta didn't notice her waking up, so she took a moment to analyze her older sister. 

Nesta constantly glanced over at her phone mounted on the dashboard. Feyre could give her the benefit of the doubt and say she’s probably looking at the directions, but she can tell they’ve been on this road for a while and will be for forty more miles. _James Bay_ was playing on the radio, and Feyre knew her sister loves to sing along to the radio, especially his songs. Nesta loved and appreciated the simplicity of a guitar and vocals. Usually belting along with the artist. But today, she was silent, her finger tapping the steering wheel to the beat the only tell-tale sign that she could hear the music. 

It unnerved Feyre to see the stoic, silent ‘work Nesta’. Few people who truly knew Nesta, knew she had two versions. Work Nesta was hard working with a takes-no-shit attitude that could make you cry with one look. Real Nesta was witty, caring (though one could say under many layers), and had a humor no one could compete with. She was compassionate. Always singing and reading, and if she warmed up to you enough, she was a damn good listener. If it wasn't for Nesta, Feyre wasn’t sure where she’d be at this moment.

A part of her hated hiding that Nesta helped her with rent every month. She wanted people to know the Nesta she knew. Feyre never understood why Nesta wasn’t herself at work. Her coworkers would like her more, but her older sister always said work is work. She wasn’t there to make friends. This wasn’t work. This was two sisters alone, driving, yes to a weekend getaway held by her sister’s employment. But they still had forty five minutes to go. It took Nesta seconds to get into work mode. Something wasn’t adding up here.

“Not singing?” Feyre asked.

“You were sleeping.” Nesta cut a glance towards her sister, now reaching for her cell in the cup holder, then back to the road.

“Never stopped you before.” Feyre shrugged, humming the second chorus, Nesta asked her to stop, being the little sister that she is, ignored her request as the bridge kicked in her hums creciendo. Off key she belted, “When I found you. I needed more than you’ll eveeeer knooow.” 

Nesta turned the volume down, quick as a flash of lightning, “Enough Feyre! I asked you to stop. I sent you more money and I’m driving you to this damned getaway. At least have the common fucking deceny to heed my request.” Feyre couldn’t be sure if it was the song itself or the lyrics that struck a nerve. But when she sang those lines, something snapped in her sister. 

“Sorry,” Feyre muttered, opening her cell and going straight to Rhys’ texts.

Nesta released a calming breath, risking a glance at Feyre who was currently smirking. Laughing to herself as she typed. There were definitely times Feyre deserved to be yelled at, but this wasn’t one of those times. The restless night, the piercing migraine she’s had since yesterday, all the stress and nerves inside of Nesta crashing around inside of her, like the ocean in a storm. Sending Cassian the pictures and then the message about arriving late, knowing he left them on read set her on edge. She didn’t expect him to answer no matter if she wished it. Now he knows. Or she hopes he knows. It was all a part of her half-assed plan.

The pictures tell him that he means something to her. The ones she chose were her favorites. When work was rough or she considered murdering someone in the office building, she pulled out her camera roll thinking of the moments each image was taken.

The message was a test. If he was ignoring her and really wanting nothing to do with her, he wouldn’t be waiting in the lobby this morning. If he did...then she still had a glint of hope in her recently thawed heart. Today, Nesta didn’t know what to do with her plan. She only needed to last until the gift exchange tomorrow. Attempting to keep a sense of normalcy the remaining drive, Nesta turned the volume up. 

“Me, too,” Nesta finally replied. “I’m just stressed.”

“I can tell. You’re entirely on edge.” more tapping, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No. It’s just work stuff.” Technically not a lie. Cassian does work with her. Feyre’s phone lights up again. Immediately, she picks it up, typing more. Nesta recognizes the way her eyes glow with affection at the phone. “Who are you talking to?”

“Rhysand.”

Perfect. Just the opening she needed. Perhaps Rhys hinted at Cassian’s behavior. 

“Are you sleeping with my Editor in Chief counterpart?”

“ _What?!_ ” Feyre squeaked. “Why would I be sleeping with _Rhysand_?”

Nesta scoffed. “Because he’s in love with you, of course.” Feyre stilled.

“No, he’s not. He’s-- we’re just friends.”

“To you, maybe. But to him… I’ve been working alongside Rhys for a while and the last four years pretty much side by side. As much as we loathe each other, I know how to read him. When Elain invited you to the Prythian Printing holiday party three years ago, he had this look in his eye that I’ve never seen before. Like you brought him back to life after his nasty ex.”

"Amarantha," Feyre confirmed through gritted teeth. Nesta nodded in agreement. 

Nesta opted for a change in subject she was interested in, "What does he have to be chatty about at this hour?"

Feyre didn't glance from her screen when she replied, "Cassian." She did look over as Nesta hitched a breath, shoulders straightened, and her jaw clenched. A peculiar notion for her, "You okay?"

"Yeah. Fine," an awkward silence filled the space in between them, "What about Cassian?"

Feyre dismissed the curious way her sister asked. Like she generally wanted, needed to know, "He thinks he broke up with his secret lover. Or maybe the other way around."

The car jolted, Feyre gripped the arm of her seat for balance. Her attention snapped to Nesta who seemed to regain her composure, the pads of her fingers tapping rhythmically to the next song playing, Dancing with our hands tied.

 _I loved you in secret_ , The first line ran through Feyre’s mind, her wheels turning making connections between Nesta’s actions and the words from her own mouth. Feyre took to her phone, opening to Rhys’ messages 

**_Feyre:_ ** Do you think Cassian’s secret lover could be Nesta? She’s acting weird. When I said his name, she froze.

 **_Rhys:_ ** I mean, he’s always liked opinionated women but I don’t know if I see this one. He’s like a brother to me and If he was sleeping with her, I’d know.

 **_Feyre:_ ** You only know work Nesta. That’s not a fair assumption. How about a bet?

 **_Rhys:_ **a bet? I’m listening, Feyre Darling.

 **_Feyre:_ **I bet It’s Nesta and you bet it’s not. 

**_Rhys:_ ** What do you get if you win?

 **_Feyre:_ ** Well I figured I’d be nice. If I win I will let you kiss me once. Since you’re apparently so in love with me, right? And you?

 **_Rhys:_ ** ha ha who told you my secret? Well..you took my idea so I guess I have to settle with making you streak around the lodge.

 **_Feyre:_ ** you suck.

“Why does he think that?” Feyre drew her focus from the texting, still unbelieving that she made the bet that’s staring up at her in a bold font. She’d think about that later, “Rhysand I mean. Maybe they’re just having a hard time and it’s not over yet. Why does he think they split?”

Feyre covered her internal panic at Nesta’s questions, before texting Rhys this idea excited her. From what she knew of Cassian when Rhys dragged him in on her Friday shifts, he was funny, charming, and matched you quip for quip. He seemed to be the kind of guy that wouldn’t leave Nesta alone until she smiled. A guy she’d roll her eyes at constantly yet silently smile at all of his quirks. Feyre could picture the two of them together vividly so. Like Cassian could be sitting in her spot, Feyre in the back, Cassian interlacing his fingers with Nesta. Kissing the tops of her knuckles. 

She knew her sister had the hardest out of the three of them growing up. Nesta deserved someone like that. That loves her unconditionally, through her work and real versions, keeps her strong against the demons in her head. Basically the opposite of Tomas in every way.

“Hello?” Nesta questioned with apprehension. 

“Sorry. Why are you so curious? You’re not usually one for gossip.”

"That's what I have Rowan for, but Rowan's not here. So tell me." Feyre couldn’t help the way her sister sounded pleading, desperate for the information. Her hands gripped the wheel tighter. Teeth sinking into her bottom lip, preventing her mouth from giving away private thoughts.

Feyre gave a brief overview of Cassian from yesterday, per Rhys’ observations. At work, he kept his head down the entire time until Aelin dragged him away for lunch. When a co-worker approached him, his eyes were distant, words short and clipped. Like if he spoke too much, he would break apart. Not even Aelin helped all that much. She brought up how Rowan kept watching him with a mix of sympathy and death. Nesta pulled to the side of the road a hand covering half of her face as she breathed in deeply, controlling her emotions. That’s how Feyre knew for certain..

“You’re her, aren’t you?

Nesta was silent, refusing to pull her hand away. Feyre speaking of yesterday was a swift, hard punch to her gut. Knowing her words were what put him in that mood all day. She assumed it would have, but hearing it confirmed was like air being sucked from her lungs. What’s worse is that since Feyre knows now, Rhys will probably know by tonight as well. If she’s not careful, the whole plan will fall to shambles. Feyre touched her gently by the shoulder, showing her a message from Rhys.

 **_Rhys_ **: This is the crazy part. I gave everyone free reign of the lodge before the sledding competition, but all he’s done is hang out in the lobby, pretending to read. He keeps watching the door, waiting for someone. I tried to get him to come check on the sledding situation and he told me to find someone else. He’s busy. Then he started watching the doors again. 

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. For what’s it worth, whatever is going on. I don’t think it’s over.” Feyre nudged her sister by the shoulder, "You wanna hear something interesting? Tam came into Rita’s last night."

That pulled Nesta out of her state. Wild embers like a dancing rage settled in her eyes at the very mention of his name. The asshole that tore her little sister apart then stomped on the pieces. While Nesta loathed to think about those times, she welcomed the distraction from her own inner turmoil.

Contrary to the beliefs of everyone at Terra and Cadre, Nesta and Feyre were two peas in a pod back in the day. All the Archeron sisters were as close as could be, especially after their parents died. Nesta stayed with them in their hometown and attended the community college until Feyre was old enough to live on her own. With Feyre and Elain both at college, Nesta finally went on to get her Masters.

Enter Tamlin.

Years ago in business school, Tamlin had once tried to pursue Nesta. But after watching him go after countless women in their class, Nesta turned him down. At their graduation, Tamlin set his sights on Feyre, a near twin to Nesta despite being five years younger. Nesta tried to warn Feyre about Tamlin’s ways, but her hard-headed little sister who had never been in love merely blamed Nesta for being jealous.

A fight and a slap in the face later, she and Feyre were no longer speaking. Her parting words to her little sister were a warning: _don’t come crawling back if he hurts you_. It hurt Nesta to say good-bye, but if Feyre didn’t listen to her own sister, then who was she to care? Even if she did. 

Fast forward a few years, to the Prythian Printing holiday party Elain invited Feyre to. It was the first time she had seen Feyre since she started dating Tamlin. Nesta, ever observant, remembered noticing the way Feyre’s stormy blue eyes weren’t as vibrant as usual. A quick scan at least told her there were no bruises, at least visibly. The look in her eyes, however, was a look she knew all too well. She wore it herself. A mask hiding the truth. Though their masks showed different emotions. For Nesta, it was coldness on the outside, warmth on the in. Feyre, warmth on the outside to hide the brokenness within. Like something hollow began to fester within her. If she had known this was what Feyre would become, Nesta would’ve fought harder to keep her far away from Tamlin.

Nesta could tell that party was a turning point for Feyre. It wasn’t hard to catch the way her eyes reignited after her introduction to Rhysand. Not a month later, she opened her front door to find a crying Feyre, clutching herself, looking down. As much as she wanted to follow through with her warning, the words “I told you so” died in the back of her throat. All she could do was wrap her arms around her sister. That night, Feyre told her everything. How he manipulated her mind and emotions by using her love for him. Stripping her younger sister of that fiery light she had inside her.

Nesta’s voice was ice when she finally spoke up. “Did he threaten you? Touch you?”

From the corner of her eye, Feyre shook her head. “He was already wasted by the time he got to Rita’s. He didn’t even notice it was me until I handed him his third drink. He saw the ring on my finger and immediately started flirting with me.”

“Scum of the earth,” Nesta cursed. Wait. “Ring on your finger?”

Feyre chuckled nervously and traced the empty spot on her left ring finger. “Rhysand… Well, after Tamlin and I broke up, you know I had to start working at the bar. The kind of people that came in, how..touchy they tried to be,” Nesta knew. Feyre didn’t need to remind her. Rita’s, the locally famous dive bar, sat in a seedy district of Velaris with some rather aggressive patrons at the time. Feyre continued, “Rhysand started going in during my shifts. At first it was just for fun, but after a while, we noticed I had less come ons with him around.” Feyre paused. When Nesta glanced at her quickly, she saw a slight smile forming on her lips. “There was one particularly late shift a while back that Rhysand couldn’t come to. He gave me this fake engagement ring to wear. I was skeptical at first, but it worked. No one bothered me inappropriately…”

“Until Tamlin,” Nesta finished for her.

“Until Tamlin,” Feyre agreed. “It was bad enough he thought he could shamelessly flirt with an engaged woman. But when he found out it was me? He scoffed saying ‘found someone else to take money from, did ya?’” Nesta’s grip tightened on the wheel, for a different reason than before. Tamlin is the reason Feyre had to work harder than anyone else she knew.

That fateful morning when Feyre appeared on her doorstep, she learned that Tamlin had coerced Feyre into selling her car and moving in with him. Claiming that he would take care of her while she pursued her degree in graphic design. When Feyre came to her, she had nothing but a small duffel bag of clothes and thousands of dollars in loans.

Nesta helped get Feyre back on her feet. She found an apartment for her and paid the rent. It’s walking distance from both the bar and art studio, so Nesta began putting money aside to buy a car whenever she needed it. Leaving Feyre only her loans to work towards paying off.

“Thank you, Nesta.” Feyre’s words shook Nesta out of her reverie. The gratitude was a surprise but not unwelcome. “Seeing Tamlin yesterday… It almost took me back to that dark place you and Rhysand helped pull me out of. So, thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me. You’d have done the same” she paused, thinking while roaring the engine back to life. “Just when you _do_ start sleeping Rhysand, spare me the details.” Nesta added, getting back on the road.

Feyre choked on nothing. “You know that’s never going to happen, right?”

“Right,” Nesta clicked her tongue, “Just wait until he does something to open your eyes to what’s been in front of you for a long, long time.”

“I could say the same to you.” Nesta stilled. Remembering why she needed a distraction. They both had a man awaiting them up in the Staghorn Mountains. In what way they’ll be waiting, they’ll find out soon enough. Nesta wasn’t sure what made her more nervous. Confessing her feelings or the possibility that he isn’t waiting for her at all.

Feyre sensed the shift in Nesta’s demeanor and turned the radio up. “For the next 15 minutes, Nes, we’re going to rock out like we used to and forget about men, yeah?” When Nesta didn’t answer or sing along, Feyre belted the words with Nick Jonas, “ _I’m not tryna be your part time lover, sign me up for that full time, I’m yours._ Come onn.” She begged. 

Feyre raised her eyebrow at Nesta, nudging her shoulders. A pact between the two sisters not to discuss the meaning behind the song and what it could mean to either of them. Feyre shimmied until Nesta couldn’t help but join in with Joe, “ _What a man gotta do to be totally locked up by you?”_

By the time they finally made it to the lodge, they were both in good spirits. Laughing without a care in the world. Until Nesta’s eyes fell on the entrance to the building, worried what she would find waiting or not waiting for her behind them.

Feyre waited with her for a moment before squeezing her shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, Nes. I’ll be right by your side.” Nesta nodded. Steeling herself before getting out of the car. Feyre didn’t know what happened, but the events from the day before came flooding back. The look when Nesta broke his heart with a few words, and then the cold, burning rage in his eyes when he slammed his car door shut. Everytime Nesta shut her eyes she saw those images. She wanted them gone, replaced with him looking at her how he used to. Or him howling with laughter, anything but what laid behind her eyes now. Nesta breathed in and out deeply once more to steady herself. “Oh my god. I knew that this hurt and maybe you cared deeply. But you’re...you really love him. Don’t you?”

Nesta popped the trunk, then opened her car door, “Let’s just get this over with.”

Feyre knew the tone she used. Nesta’s way of saying that she was done speaking on the matter. Feyre could tell her sister’s feelings towards Cassian ran deep and true. By what Rhys had told her, Cassian was her mirror in that respect.

The sisters walked in unison, pulling their suitcases and bags behind them. Nesta felt bile rise to her throat. On the inside, she wanted to text Rowan, have him meet her outside. Maybe she could bolt and run--no. Feyre would pull her inside. Not to mention it would cause a scene she’s not quite ready for. So, Nesta did what she always did. Chin held high, she pressed on. No matter how bundled her nerves were, how her palms refused to stop sweating, legs shaking, or her heart pounding so hard she was sure Feyre could hear, Nesta would walk in with her head held high.

Or so she thought.

The doors slid open automatically, and there he was in direct view. Swirling a glass of whiskey in his hand. The world stopped. Nesta didn’t hear Rhys exclaim “Feyre, darling!” or see her sister smile wide jumping into her best friend’s arms. No, she only saw Cassian as he turned slowly in his seat. She fought against the urge to move his way. To fully submerge into his warm embrace, regardless of onlookers. 

When those hazel eyes met hers, Nesta noticed a look that could be described as wary longing. Her heart fluttered beneath her chest, she kept her gaze steady. Nesta signaled him back the look in stormy-blues matching his expression. There was a slight bob of his Adam's apple before offering her a tight smile.

Maybe Feyre was right. Maybe her plan will be successful after all.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned:  
> I Found You by James Bay  
> Dancing With Our Hands Tied by Taylor Swift  
> What A Man Gotta Do by The Jonas Brothers


	4. Chapter 4

“You saw it too, huh?” Elain questioned, walking out of the bedroom, fixing her hair up into a ponytail. Heading towards the closet, she pulled the thickest wool sweater she brought along the trip off the hangar. The deep blue color made her think of the ocean and warmer days. 

“The weird look between your sister and Cass? Yeah, I saw it,” Azriel added, sitting on the bed, lacing his boots up. Ready for the sledding they were participating in. She should have known he did. Azriel had a tendency to never miss a single thing. Highly observant of everyone and everything around him

Elain pulled the sweater overheard, tugging the hem down to her waist, flattening the heavy fabric with her hands. “Do you think she was the reason for his mood yesterday?” Out of all the people in the office, Cassian was the one rarely in bad moods. Always teasing, joking, laughing. Constantly in good spirits. Yesterday threw everyone off by the solem man sitting in his place. “Hand me my snow pants, please.”

Azriel plucked the requested item from his left side where they laid out on the bed. He could have tossed the pants at her. Elain was a grown woman. She’s been up in the Staghorn Mountains plenty of times. Has put on snow gear hundreds of times. She turned at the right moment with her back to him. His gaze trailed down her back to the pert shape of her ass on full display in those thick wool leggings. He swallowed, feeling his adam's apple bob when she bent down to dig in her suitcase. With that motion, there was something--someone--he wanted to do at this moment. Sledding with everyone was not it.

Azriel stood, moving around the bed with pants in hand to his girlfriend of the past five months. Elain turned back around, a headband in her hand, seeing Az on his knees. The legs of her pants stretched open.

“What are you doing?” she laughed out, warm eyes twinkling. 

“Helping you get dressed. I  _ am _ a gentleman after all.” The words rolled off his tongue with such a smoothness, like the finest of whiskies. Her insides flutter at the sound of it.

“If you insist,” placing a hand over his shoulder, Elain steadied herself, slipping her right leg into the correct hole then doing the same with her left, “Just so you know,  I may not go sledding as much as you, but I can put my own snow gear. It's not that hard." 

“Oh I know,” hazel eyes began to pool with lust as Azriel flicked his gaze up meeting hers. His hands splayed around her ankles, moving towards the top of her pants. As he stood, pulling up the slacks, Azriel eased her against the wall. One of his hands resting on her hip, the other braced on the wall. He settled his mouth on the sensitive spot on her neck, “I just wanted an excuse to touch you, flower,” he murmured as mouth touched flesh. 

Elain hummed her approval, angling her head just so to grant him further access over the expanse of her neck. Her hands dropped to his shoulders, as he lifted her legs to settle around his hips. Instinctively she tightened herself around him. His growing hardness pressing into her side as the sensual movement of his lips traveled along her jawline to her lips.

Azriel’s mouth had just claimed hers when a loud knock came at the door, startling them to break apart. “Hey, Az!” Amren’s voice filtered through the door. “We’re heading up to the mountain. Now. Last one there has to pull the sleds back topside after the competition!”

Elain waited a beat to make sure Amren had walked away before moving in to kiss Azriel once again. But Azriel didn’t meet her halfway. He gave her a pleading look instead. “Really?” She asked incredulously. "You started this." Elain pointed out.

“Kissing you, yes…" He trailed off, knowing better than to start a semantics debate. Azriel jumped to the point with a sympathized expression etched on his handsome features "I lost last year. It was the absolute worst,” he explained. Elain narrowed her eyes at him. He pulled her closer in order to whisper in her ear. “I’ll have more time to finish what we started if I don’t have to deal with clean up duty.” He pressed a kiss to the shell of her ear, eliciting a full body shiver from his girlfriend.

“Fine,” she sighed, making her way to the door. “But you better make it worth it.”

Azriel grinned. “Don’t I always?” He punctuated his words with a slap to her ass and ran away. Leaving Elain cursing in his wake.

\---

Rhys found Feyre in the lobby, lacing up her snow boots, looking as beautiful as ever, golden hair cascading perfectly down her back. Her midnight blue snowsuit made her face glow like the brightest star in Velaris. He was thankful to see she was finally alone. Other than their brief reunion, he hadn’t gotten a moment alone with his best friend.

He squeezed into the chair besides Feyre, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He greeted her with a sing song “Feyre, daaarling!”

“Out of all the chairs in this lobby, you had to choose the only one already occupied?” she scolded him playfully, pushing an elbow into his side.

“Ah, but if I sat somewhere else, I wouldn’t have the excuse to do this.” That was all the warning he gave before grabbing Feyre by the waist, sliding into the seat, and hauling her onto his lap. A look of confusion flashed across her face before she rolled her eyes and laughed at him.

Rhys did his best not to overanalyze that look. He’s been in love with her since the day they met, though she told him right away she wasn’t looking for a relationship. Rhysand couldn't help but be taken with her from the first night they met. Everything about her was captivating. From Feyre's artist soul, adventurous spirit, her optimism, easy conversations and how she just simply got him. He never had to explain anything to her. If soulmates existed, Feyre was his. He would wait, bide his time, opting for the next best thing: her best friend. 

Rhys has always been affectionate towards Feyre, brushing her hair from her face, wrapping his arm around her waist as they walk. But he always made sure to keep his feelings in check. Maybe he hasn’t been doing as well of a job as he thought.

Before his thoughts could spiral further into the rabbit hole, Feyre’s phone vibrated in her back pocket. The sensation against his thigh combined with Feyre in his lap did more to Rhys than he cared to admit. Those feelings were quenched, however, when Feyre pulled her phone out and he got a glimpse of the incoming text message.

**_Unknown Number:_ ** You looked beautiful last night, as always.

Feyre’s knuckles went white around her phone, though she made no move to unlock it. Rhys wasn’t sure what to make out of the whole ordeal. Was it a flirty patron that frequents Rita’s? Surely Feyre wouldn’t lie about working to go on on a date. If that were the case, she would’ve told him. They told each other everything. His heart clenched at the thought. That she would lie to him. He pulled on a cool facade, questioning her in jest. “Hot date last night, love?”

She scoffed, rolling her eyes in the process, a blaise air overtaking her, “Hardly. I was at work, remember?” He sighed in relief at her affirmation. Feyre glanced away knowing how he’d react. Since their first meeting, Rhys was the kind of person she could tell anything to. He hoped that was still the case. “Only Tamlin being Tamlin.” Rhys stiffened beneath Feyre. The very mention of Feyre’s ex put him on high alert.

“ _ Tamlin _ ? Tamlin was at the bar last night?”

His fingers tightened on her waist. Feyre laid her hands over his in gentleness turning to meet his burning gaze of his fury. “Stop it. It’s nothing. I told Nesta on the drive here. He walked in already drunk, but you know Tam. Wants what he can’t have.”

Feyre shrugged and at that Rhys grinned, “You had the ring on?”

“Of course. I wear it every shift,” Feyre blushed, absentmindedly playing with the spot an engagement ring should go. Rhys was transported to another universe where he could give her an engagement ring for real. A wedding band to match. To make her his. “Rhys?” Feyre’s voice brought him out of his daydreams. He glanced down and realized he had taken her hand in his own, sliding his fingers in between hers, twining their hands.

Rhys looked back up into Feyre’s stormy blue eyes. He felt himself drawing closer to her, she was a magnet pulling him in. Confusion swirled in her eyes, yet she didn’t pull away. Rhys’ mind raced with all the reasons that could be. He dared to let himself hope that she reciprocated his feelings, but before he could make what might be a monumental mistake, a throat was cleared behind them.

Feyre’s eyes widened as she scrambled off his lap into the next chair over, turning around to face the newcomer. Rhys turned as well, finding Nesta Archeron facing off with her sister. He couldn’t be sure why, but a look that said  _ I told you so _ was evident on her face as she stared at Feyre. Though Feyre didn’t respond, he saw the way she stiffened under her gaze, the estranged sisters in close proximity of each other could only end badly.

Interrupting their staring contest, Rhys spoke. “Nesta. To what do we owe the pleasure?”

Nesta rolled her eyes at him. “We’re due at the top of the mountains to assure everything is ready for the sledding contest. Let’s go.” Without another word, she turned on her heel, arms crossed around her book, making to leave the lobby.

Next to him, Feyre stood, brushing invisible lint from the front of her jacket. “I’ll, uh,” she stuttered, not meeting his eyes. “I’ll see you out there, Rhys.” 

“Feyre--” but she was already gone. Rhys fell back into the seat, running his hands down his face. “Idiot. You’re a fucking idiot,” he mumbled to himself before regaining his composure and making his way up the mountain.

\---

Nesta continued on her way, heading toward the complimentary coffee bar, with Aeln’s recommended book in hand. _It helps me whenever I’m feeling low,_ she’d said. Perhaps for Aelin it works, but for Nesta all it seemed to do was keep her mood neutral. It didn’t put her into further despair which she assumed was good. It didn’t make her feel any better either. However, the story of Alex and Henry proved to be entertaining enough, so Nesta continued the charming read.

Reaching the coffee bar, she was thankful the carafe was recently filled with a fresh pot. Quickly she fixed her cup, inhaling the scent of freshly brewed coffee as she did so. The scent of it re-awakening her, pushing the sleepy haze down. She could rest after the sledding contest. Her plan didn’t truly come in for Cassian until tomorrow. 

Nesta only hoped it would work, that it wasn’t too late. That they haven’t gone down a path they can no longer return from. She thought about the facts. He had waited at the lobby bar until she arrived, and the small, albeit clenched, smile he gave told her Cassian was hurting as bad as she. This alone told her that there was no reason for anything to go wrong. But of course, there was still a small seed of doubt festering inside her.

What if he didn’t understand her reasonings? 

Nesta was always a private person. To open herself to him, to bare herself, scars and all, it was the biggest risk she’d take. Just like Alex not giving up on Henry by flying to UK for him. She couldn’t give up on this, on Cassian. He saw her in a way no one else did. Not even Rowan or Feyre or Elain. When she was with him, it wasn’t just Cassian and Nesta in her apartment. It was two souls who had found their match. She couldn’t explain it, the connection shared with him, but she felt it all the same. Her past caused her to give in to falsified hauntings.

Tapping the stirrer on her cup and tossing it in trash, Nesta picked up her book once more. Making to turn down a hall leading to outside where the sledding would take place, when she slammed into a solid body. The book fell to the floor, she kicked it away keeping it safe from the spill. Her coffee splashed upward, drenching her coat and face in hot liquid. Nesta winced as the beverage warmed her skin. The cup fell from her hand as it dropped to the floor, shaking off droplets from her fingers. 

“Shit, Nes. I’ll be right back.” 

It took her a moment to realize the voice, the deeply smooth tenderness of it. Her entire body went into a rigid panic. This wasn’t a part of her plan. She wasn’t supposed to talk to him yet and not this way. Before Nesta had a moment to flee in the opposite direction, Cassian was back, a cloth in hand. She reached to take it, but he pulled back.

“Let me do it,” he pleaded.

“You’ve done enough,” she clipped, glaring up into his hazel eyes, fighting the restraint to say more. “The rag, please, I’ll do it myself,” she commanded, holding her hand out. 

Cassian refused to listen, gripping her chin in a tender caress as he cleaned her face. Nesta laid a palm over his hand, squeezing in demand. “Let me do it,” he repeated, his focus moving between his work, the now reddened splotches dusting her cheeks and her eyes, stormy-blues filled with too many emotions. “Please, Nesta.” 

Briefly she closed her eyes, sighing as she did so. “Fine. Just be quick.”

He wished to shut his heart and mind off. Fearing he’d say something that would erupt both of them. Bumping into Nesta wasn’t his plan. At least not like this. Cassian wanted to approach her at a point in time during their stay, but he didn’t know how or when. The way her eyes searched for him on her arrival. How Nesta mirrored his smile. It gave him a sense of sureness that Aelin couldn’t provide him. 

Desperately, he craved to tell Nesta that she could tell him any horrors from her past. He’d be there to lend support, chase away those demons, or whatever she needed. First Cassian needed to sort his thoughts out, think of what to say. For now, he’d savour this moment with her.

Cassian cleared his throat, “So. Hi.”

“Hello.” 

Nesta kept a hardened gaze on the floor, counting the grains of wood. A feeble attempt to not get lost in the way his skin felt along hers. His thumb tapping against her, like Cassian resisted its want to trail down her jawline the way he’s used to doing before bringing her lips to his and the acts that followed after. Cassian stood so close, Nesta could feel the warmth from his body radiating off him. She longed to bridge the small gap, fall into the embrace of security only he can provide for her. 

Heated breaths tickling her cheek. She outright refused to look him in the eyes. He was too close, and her body, mind would crumble underneath his gaze. That wasn’t a part of her plan. None of this coffee incident was. 

“You’re watching the sledding?” he questioned, casually finishing cleaning her face. All but a pink tint remained. Which he assumed was from the beverage and not him. Cassian angled himself to the left and right. Checking her face making sure he removed all the spilled coffee.

“Since the other editor in chief is participating, yes I will be. One of us has to be on the sidelines,” she added.

“Missed a spot,” he flicked her nose. Nesta batted him away, finally looking up at him with a glare. Cassian didn’t fight the grin as it bloomed on his face. Nor did he miss the quick ghost of a smile on hers.

“You’re an idiot.” Nesta took a small step back, giving a hard eye roll as she did so. Cassian stepped away, too. He leaned down to pick up her book and handed it over. She muttered a thanks.

“But I’m--” he stilled, halting the following words he knew were to follow:  _ But I’m your idiot.  _ Cassian awkwardly ran his fingers through his shoulder length hair before rubbing at the back of his neck, “Sorry. Habit,” he murmured.

Nesta held her book close, shuffling her feet on the floor, “It’s fine. I should go and change.” 

Cassian nodded watching her walk away around the front desk and down the hall. What he shouldn’t do was follow her path. He should walk outside and wait to meet Aelin for the trek up to their destination. Cassian harbored a habit of not listening, even to himself. Knowing how Nesta takes her coffee, he quickly fixed her cup before trailing after her. Though he knew that he made it mainly for her and not just because her cup was wasted. It also proved to be a good cover for any coworkers who saw. He was simply being good natured Cassian replacing what he ruined. Trailing her path, he rounded the corner of the front desk. A slight pep in his walk as he caught her halfway down the hall.

“Nesta. Nesta, wait!” To his luck, she turned towards him, allowing Cassian to catch up to her. 

“Just how you like it,” he handed the coffee to her, their fingers overlapping, they both froze for the briefest of times. She didn’t say thank you, only offered him a meaningful glance. It took everything in him to not follow her and have this talk instead of sledding with Rhys. “I’m sorry about your coffee and..”

“You pick the worst times.” Though her words were curt, he caught the lightness in them, “Later.” She turned back around quickly on her heels. Like if she stayed a moment more, Nesta would be the one to drag him away from sledding and not the other way around. “Try not to do something stupid out there.”

Quietly, he chuckled at her jab, relishing in how lighter he feels after her one worded promise. Later could mean that night, tomorrow, or even when they get back to Velaris. It was the reassurance in the one little word that gave him strength to face the day.

\---

Aelin Galathynius was one with the snow. Ever since she was a little girl, the first snowfall was her favorite time of the year. More often than not, she can be found outside playing in the yard or sitting on the balcony with a book and the largest mug of the sweetest hot chocolate in Velaris.

Aelin Galathynius was also extremely competitive. A trait that Cassian never failed to take advantage of every year. Who can build the better snowman? Who will win in a snowball fight? And now that they are both employees at Prythian Printing, who will win in a sledding contest?

“What’s it gonna be, Tiny Fireball?” Cassian slung his arm around Aelin’s shoulders as they looked down the mountainside that was to be their sledding grounds for the day. For the third year in a row, they’ve competed in this competition. Though the prize of an extra week of vacation time was appealing to most, an Aelin and Cassian winter competition was nothing without an outrageous bet between the two.

“I don’t know, General Dickhead, what do you think? Somehow I need to top last year. Watching you sing karaoke in front of everyone in only your boxers last year was quite a treat,” Aelin recalled. Cassian scoffed and pushed her away, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “Okay, okay. If I win, you have to talk to Nesta.” Aelin bent down and scooped a handful of fresh powder into her hands, forming a ball. 

Cassian held up a finger in protest. “Technically, I did talk to her.”

“Uh huh, yeah, no,” Aelin argued. “I saw that coffee spill. That was more flubbering than talking. If I win, you  _ talk. To. Her. _ ” She punctuated the final word with a blow to his face with the snowball she formed. 

Aelin knew Rowan would scold her for getting in between the situation more than they are. She'd kindly remind him that she's merely furthering along plan Nessian. The coffee interaction for her was so incredibly painful to watch. Seeing how both of them were fighting so hard against admittance. 

“Hey!” he exclaimed, pointing at Aelin who was already bending down to make another snowball. “Technically, she said we would talk later.”

“Oh, Cass, but I know you. And you’re going to avoid her like the plague because 'you don't know what to say'. You talk to her before midnight. Tonight.” Aelin threw the snowball at him again, though this time he was expecting it and ducked.

Damn her to hellas, Cassian knew she was right. 

“Fine! But if  _ I _ win, I get the whole box of sweets your mom sends you.”

“Okay,” Aelin agreed, a little too quickly.

Cassian narrowed his eyes at her. “You already ate it, didn’t you?”

“Yep.”

Cassian let out a belly laugh, not at all surprised that she had. Ever since Aedion’s mom took Aelin in as her own, the Ashryvers never failed to add extra chocolate for Cassian. And every year, Aelin never fails to eat every single piece. “Alright then, to combat the calories you’ve been gaining, if I win, you have to go to the gym with me every day  _ before _ work.”

Aelin gasped. Cassian was even harder on her in the gym than Rowan was. There was a reason she called him General Dickhead, after all. “Whatever, I accept,” she lamented. She went in for their handshake, a series of hand gestures that no one can quite follow, but his attention was elsewhere.

Aelin followed his gaze to Nesta who had just made her way to a tree near the bottom of the slope.

A tick in his jaw, his brows pressed together as a hardened focus landed not on Nesta. But on a man who seemed to be tracking Nesta’s movements. The man swept his gaze over her body like she was prey and he was a hunter. A burning rage settled in Cassian’s bones. This guy and his cropped hair and air of authority unnerved him. 

The way he was eyeing Nesta-- _ his _ Nesta, if he’s lucky--made him want to stride right over and throttle the rudding prick. No, Cassian didn’t know him. In truth, he didn't need to, to know what he was. Any man who looked at a woman that way, like she's a meal to devour instead of a human-being, was a prick in his eyes. Especially when that woman captured his shattered heart.

Then the man whistled at Nesta. 

Cassian zeroed in on the sound. He didn’t know the emotion that fueled him more. Protectiveness, fury, envy, or simply the fact this asshole whistled at her as if Nesta was some pet of his. A low growl rumbled in his chest as he stepped forward to settle this matter until a hand wrapped around his forearm pulling Cassian in the opposite direction.

“Territorial bastards all of you,” Aelin snapped, dragging him away. “You do realize this is Nesta.  _ Nesta, _ right? That man doesn’t stand a chance. Let it go.”

Cassian huffed a breath, tearing himself away from her grasp. “So I can’t defend her? You heard him.”

Stopping in her tracks, Aelin rubbed her temples. “No. You can’t. You two haven’t even talked properly. You can’t go jumping to her defense like you own her, either. After all, everyone knows that Nesta has the power to make someone cry with a single look. The only two people not afraid of her are you and Rowan.”

“You’re afraid of her?” Cassian questioned, staring at his best friend incredulously.

“You clearly don’t work with her when deadlines are coming,” Aelin shuddered at the thought. How Nesta has come close to bringing even Aelin to tears. The editor in chief was a force to be reckoned with. “We’re getting off topic. You know how nosy our co-workers are. If you go to her side now, they will question you and Nesta. It could push her further away. In any case, that skinny guy is no threat whatsoever. She’ll tear him down in seconds. Come on. We can’t be late.”

Cassian looked over his shoulder back to Nesta and the man. He was now sitting again, but still watching her. From his angle, the expression was dark. An uneasiness uncoiled within him the further they walked away. He didn’t like this. Against his better judgement to stay near Nesta, Cassian continued on, hoping this damn race would be over soon.

The two of them walked towards their group, several sleds waiting for them in a line. Lysandra and Aedion stood a few feet from everyone. They couldn’t hear the entire conversation. Only angry rushed words. 

“Lys, come on. I went sledding drunk  _ one _ time.”

“And you broke your arm and had a concussion from jumping sled to sled!” she hissed, her hands resting on either side of her belly in protest. “We don't need injuries from accident-prones today. You’re reffing."

Aedion points a finger towards Fenrys and Mor, simultaneously gesturing over at Aelin and Cassian with the other hand. The latter two froze at being noticed. Hoping he didn’t catch them listening purely on accident, "What are they then?"

Lysandra flashed Aelin a knowing stare before returning to Aedion’s furious attention, "Not my husband, for one,” she clipped before walking over to Elide.

Aedion pulled at his face with an annoyed groan before walking into his position.

Looking up at Cassian, Aelin noted the still worried face on him. Territorial as it is to be so overprotective, it was still sweet to witness. That despite him knowing Nesta was more than capable of handling herself, even with her past of Tomas, he would still still jump at the chance to be her savior. Rowan was the same, and her heart swelled at thought.

“Hey.” Aelin stepped in front of Cassian. She pulled up her tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek. She whispered in his ear, “Nesta will be fine.” He nodded. “But if you wanna beat the guy’s ass later, you and Rowan can find him.” She winked, pulling away. “Good luck, General Dickhead!”

“I don’t need luck, Tiny Fireball.” Aelin laughed running to meet up with Fenrys.

Aelin climbed onto the sled behind Fenrys and scanned everyone else around her. Lysandra was waiting with a pregnant Elide at the bottom of the mountain. To her left, she stuck her tongue out at Rhys and Cassian, waved to Mor and Feyre. On her right, she blew a kiss at Rowan and Lorcan and saluted Azriel and Elain.

“Alright, folks!” Rhys yelled from behind Cassian on their sled. “You all know the rules are essentially nonexistent, but please, for the love of gods, don’t get hurt on my watch.” He glared pointedly at Fenrys and Aelin before gesturing for the ski lodge worker to signal their start.

Next thing she knew, Fenrys pushed them off the top of the mountain and they were flying. Snow was churning beneath them and Aelin screamed with exhilaration from the sensation. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine herself flying on the back of a Wyvern she read about in a book once.

Not wanting to miss out on anything around her, however, she opened her eyes. A quick scan at her current enemies told Aelin that she and Fenrys were in third place behind Rowan and Lorcan with Azriel and Elain in the lead. Good for them, Aelin thought. While the couple has only been official for a few months, they were soulmates from the start and deserve an extra week off together.

Aelin’s attention honed in on her fiance and Lorcan once again. They weren’t terribly far ahead, but Aelin still couldn’t fathom the taunting and teasing that is sure to ensue if she lost to Rowan. Her competitiveness mingled with her mischief as a plan formed in her head. They were almost halfway down the mountain. Plenty of time.

“Fen!” Aelin yelled above the snow.

Fenrys had to yell even louder for her to hear him. “What, Ae?”

“Do you think you can steer us closer to Ro and Lorcan?”

For a split second, Fenrys turned to face her, but she couldn’t see anything on his face beyond his goggles. Turning back to watch where he’s going, he asked, “ _ Why? _ ”

“Just do it!” she commanded. In front of her, Fenrys shrugged his shoulders and steered them towards the other pair. Aelin helped throw her body forwards in an attempt to accelerate, and smiled as they succeeded. “Okay,” she yelled, “go a little to the left of them!” Without question, Fenrys followed her direction.

They were close enough now that Aelin could see Lorcan’s bright red jacket on the back of Rowan’s sled. Any second now, they’d be within arm’s reach. Aelin looked ahead to find they had only about a quarter of the mountain left. She hoped she still had time.

Aelin didn’t need to worry, because not two seconds later, her sled was almost directly aligned with theirs. Not hesitating a moment longer, she wrapped an arm around Fenrys over his shoulder, gripping tightly to stable herself as she stood and reached towards Lorcan. In one smooth motion, she grabbed a handful of his jacket as best as she could with her gloved hand--and  _ pulled _ .

The world around them seemed to slow as Rowan turned around with wide eyes, gaping at the empty space behind him on his sled. The space Lorcan had occupied moments earlier before Aelin pulled him off into the packed snow behind them. Rowan slowed to a stop so that he could jump off and assist his friend, cursing at Aelin as she and Fenrys flew past, cackling the rest of the way down the mountain.

Meanwhile, Rhys and Cassian hugged the tree line, hoping this lesser used path would get them down the mountain faster. They were making fairly decent progress when Rhys saw what transpired between Aelin and Lorcan. At the same moment, Cassian caught a glimpse of Nesta and her book again, vision going red as the man from before was crouched next to her, trying to strike up a conversation.

He watched as Nesta stood and moved to a different tree, obviously wanting to be left alone, but still, the man followed. Cassian gripped the front of the sled harder, his focus only on Nesta rather than the path they were taking. His path was straight to Nesta every time.

Behind him, Rhys yelled, “Cass, bro, did you see that?!” Cassian didn’t answer. He didn’t have a clue what Rhys was talking about. All he could see was this stranger reaching a hand towards Nesta. “Cass-- Cassian! Watch out!”

Rhysand’s shout and rock hard grip on his shoulders brought Cassian back to the present situation. Sledding. He was sledding. The annual sledding competition. He shook his head, trying to re-focus on the task at hand, but it was too late.

“ _ Cassian!” _ someone yelled. Someone with a velvet voice he dreams of waking up to every morning. The voice that once whispered sweet nothings in his ear late at night. He honed in on that voice, trying to place the panic he heard in it.

But then came the tree.

And everything went black.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is pretty hefty chapter, but trust us, this is the part everyone has been waiting for. The big bang is coming y'all 😏. Now that fun is out there, we wanted to let you all know that this chapter does handle Nesta’s past and what happened with Tomas. All the trigger warnings mentioned above will be talked about in this chapter. We did our best to handle the situation in a delicate, but pointed manner. The topic of abuse in any regards is a hard to read subject. I know for myself it is, coming out of a seven year long abusive relationship. Please if you or someone you know is in a damaging relationship of any kind. Get help. Get out. I know personally this is easier said than done. You can do it. You can get out. And you will be okay. I promise you. Our inboxes are always open if you need someone to talk to ❤

Had Nesta foreseen the future and knew that sitting out of sledding would have eluded to being harassed by a guy, she would’ve participated. Usually a few selective words to a man's ego would convince them to give up and walk away like some pathetic dog with his tail tucked between his legs. This guy, this James, Matt, or whatever the hell his name was, he was a different breed. He was unrelenting in his pursuit of her. No matter her words, silent looks, or simply ignoring him, he kept on. The word no clearly not in his vocabulary. Then he reached for her, tugging Aelin’s book down with a wolfish, predatory grin. His dark eyes settled on her breasts, licking his lips.

“I’m only trying to say hello, sweetheart. Maybe take you inside for a warming conversation. You don’t have to be so rude.”

_ Sweetheart. _

Nesta didn’t give a damn about his words or how rude she was acting. But that word. That’s Cassian’s word and for her. Regardless of what was happening between her and Cassian, hearing it from someone else, especially someone of _ this _ nature, perturbed her. Finding herself wishing Cassian was here by her side. Not because she couldn’t handle herself, but because this ass of a man wouldn’t have approached her. She could be reading in silence.

“Actually I do,” she responded curtly. “I told you I was reading. I angled myself away, and you continued to talk and stare. I finally asked you to leave and  _ yet _ you’re still here. Since you’re too ignorant to understand that means I’d like to be alone, maybe this will do better.” Netsa sood, book in hand. “Get fucked asshole.” she added a vulgar gesture as she stalked off.

Nesta located another lone tree further away from him and closer to the sledding path. Walking briskly towards the tree, Nesta felt his eyes on her as she moved, knowing he would follow. It was only a matter of time. Maybe she should’ve gone to the bottom of the slope where Elide, Amren, and Lysandra waited. But Nesta didn’t particularly want to be around other people just yet, and given her interaction with Cassian that morning, Nesta needed a chance to leave quickly and quietly.

Too focused on the man in pursuit of where she was now nestled against the frozen bark of a leafless tree, Nesta almost missed the second gaze that was moving at a fast pace down the slopes. While the first set of eyes caused a well of unease within her, this one felt more like a wall of protection around her. Cassian. She instinctively spotted him in the sled with Rhys, moving at lighting speed as they raced towards a corner. She knew he had one eye locked on her, while the other was most likely on the creep closing in. A heat bloomed in her core from the killing calm she knew was on his face as he eyed her pursuer. That heat burned out, as her stormy blues grew wide, seeing the path before Cassian that he clearly abandoned for the sake of watching her. 

Her gut, filled with want seconds ago, churned in horror at the tree they were on course to slam right into. The next thing she knew, Nesta took off. Boots barely seemed to grace the snow as she rushed across the distance, heart racing at the same speed as she continued screaming his name, over and over. She didn’t care about the way her throat burned or that there were tears pricking at her lids, daring to trail down her cold cheeks. Nothing mattered in this moment except for him. 

Nesta vaguely registered Rhys flying off the back of the sled. All she could feel was her heart dropping to her stomach as Cassian was sure to make an impact with the tree. From what she could see, he registered what was happening a little too late. Nesta wasn’t sure she was breathing as he swerved the sled, attempting to slow down but to no avail. She watched in horror as the large sled skittered in the snow before slamming into a tree. Splinters of wood and Cassian collapsed into the snow. 

Bile rose in her throat at the scene. Fear overrode common sense, not caring that work Nesta wouldn’t be frantically running towards Cassian, unconscious, face down in the snow.

Aelin grabbed her by the arm, stopping her momentum. Nesta turned to shoot a withering glare. Her best friend’s fiancee flashed a look of warning right back that said,  _ you wanted this a secret, so keep it a secret.  _ She never hated that expression more than now.

Slowly Nesta twisted around to watch Rowan help Cassian up, Aedion and Gavriel flanking in case he fell in an unpredicted way. Azriel and Elain were making their way up the slope while Lorcan was shouting at Fenrys, who looked sheepishly towards Elide, Mor by her side. From the way her cheeks were dark pink, the strong willed pregnant woman must have run to her husband when Aelin tugged him off the sled. Feyre, a few feet away checking on Rhys. Nesta took another step towards Cassian, but Aelin squeezed her arm tighter. 

She willed herself to calm down, but as she said, “I’m editor in chief,” her voice trembled, like a frozen lake ready to shatter. “I need to be here.” 

“Nesta.” Aelin said with an unnerving steadiness despite her best friend being in the state he is. “You aren’t acting like an editor in chief. You’re acting like a worried girlfriend, tearing up and shaking. If I let you go, people will know you’re more than co-workers. Is that what you want?”

Before she could respond, Rowan shouted, “Aelin!” as he pulled Cassian up and out of the snow. 

Nesta noticed the spots of crimson staining the snow covered ground from the blood trickling from his forehead and the curve of his lip. Rowan grunted, trying to keep the mass of him upright as he constantly swayed in different directions. Nesta was grateful for Aelin’s hand on her arm. It was the only thing keeping her standing. She clutched Aelin’s hand like a life line, trying her damndest to keep her cold demeanor as silent tears fell.

Rowan called for Aelin again, but Nesta was reluctant to let her go for fear that she would fall over into the snow herself. Luckily, Feyre came up on Nesta’s other side saying, “I’ve got her.”

“Is Rhys okay?” Aelin asked.

“He’s fine. He jumped off the sled before it crashed. I’ll stay with Nesta.”

“Are you sure?” she questioned with sharpness in her tone.

“She knows.” Nesta cut in, voice weary. “I told her on the drive here. Go help Rowan.” 

Aelin didn’t miss the implied  _ please _ in her statement. She only replied with a curt  _ okay _ before taking off to her two favorite males. Rowan had Cassian’s arm slung over his shoulders and neck. Aelin jumped in, copying the action with his other arm. Carefully they made their way back to the lodge, Cassian breathing heavily between them.

“Let’s settle him inside. Amren and Lys left to inform the front desk. EMTs are on their way.”

“Do you think he’s in bad condition?” Aelin asked, re-adjusting Cassian’s arm as he grumbled a word sounding vaguely like Nesta.

"From what I see, no. Bruises, soreness, maybe a small concussion. One hell of migraine." Rowan was silent for a beat, catching Nesta and Feyre in his peripheral, arms linked as they moved towards the double glass doors. "He keeps mumbling Nesta and saying he's going to fuck up that bastard."

"Who? The tree? Maybe he's more delirious than we thought."

Rowan chuckled. "I don't--" 

"Bitch with the book." A guy shouted making his way to Nesta. Rowan slowed his steps. Cassian shifted on his own, like he was straining, fighting to wake himself.

Cassian stirred a little more. Aelin leaned over in time to catch a glimpse of the man yelling, stalking towards Nesta and Feyre. It was the same guy from earlier, who didn’t seem to take no for an answer. Now, she understood what made Cassian lose his focus enough to crash.

“Rowan. He needs to go inside.  _ Now.  _ There are plenty of people here to shove that asshole away.” 

As soon as she spoke, a crowd of coworkers moved in on him. She heard Gavriel use his stern fatherly tone towards the guy, “I think it’s best you leave.”

“Outta my way, old man,” the tawny-haired guy shouted, pushing Gavriel with a thrust of his hand. Aelin saw Lysandra and Fenrys holding Aedion back from beating the asshole for manhandling Gavriel before Nesta spoke up.

Her voice was filled with a quiet, deadly rage, “Get the hell out of here before we call security, you prick. I told you no repeatedly, you still followed me. Last I checked, that’s harassment, so--” 

"No, you listen. Instead of being a fucking cunt you could have just said you had a boyfriend. Stupid fucking bitch." He pointed towards Cassian who had been pulled closer to the argument by Rowan and Aelin. “Control your woman. Women like that need to be put in their place.”

Cassian stiffened at his words, but before he could do anything, his weight was dropped completely onto Aelin’s shoulders as a blur of silver moved towards the guy, punching him square in the face, dropping him to the snow. “If I ever hear you talk about women that way again, it won’t only be my fist that meets your disgusting face.” Rowan walked away like punching someone is a normal occurrence for him, taking his place opposite Aelin once more. “Let’s get inside.”

“Nesta, stay with me. Please,” Cassian’s groggy voice was loud enough for all to hear. Nesta caught his drooping gaze, a silent conversation passing between them. The air was still as their remaining coworkers watched the exchange, unsure what to make of the situation, but likely putting the pieces together.

Nesta didn’t care, though, because she whispered, “Okay,” into the silence and followed next to Rowan and Aelin as they ushered Cassian inside. His semi-state of consciousness fell away, and he willingly became consumed by it. Satisfied knowing Nesta was safe and by his side again.

\--

Cassian awoke with a loud groan, stretching his arms overhead, slowly blinking to the daylight lighting up his hotel room. Body aching like a bus had slammed into him. A pounding in his head as if he drank copious amounts of alcohol. The blurred images of that morning swirled into his mind, all of them moving too fast for him to register until the last. Nesta beside him walking into the lodge. He shot up in the bed, hissing in pain as he did so.

“Hey, easy big guy,” a comforting voice said. But not the one he expected. “Nesta isn’t here. She and Rowan are filing a report on the guy who harassed her.” The weight of the bed dipped as Aelin sat on the mattress. “Then she’s supposed to go take a nap. Territorial best friends orders,” she laughed awkwardly.

Cassian rubbed his temples, holding the opposite hand up to stop the talking for a minute. “Ae, my fucking head is pounding. Just...”

She nodded, reaching over to the nightstand to grab a couple pain pills the EMT provided him with and a bottle of water. She handed him both silently. He took them, draining the bottle in one go. Cassian sat up a little straighter, resting against the solid wood headboard. Aelin joined him a moment later. They sat that way for a few long minutes, letting the medicine work its magic.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly, distant. She drew her knees up, wrapping her arms around them.

“For?”

“I should’ve let you go after that guy talked to Nesta. None of this would have happened,” she said, absentmindedly gazing at the comforter. “You scared the shit out of me… out of Nesta. I’ve never seen her terrified like that. If I didn’t stop you…” she trailed off biting back a sob, her chin settling on her knees.

Cassian wanted to agree, recalling Nesta’s tear streaked face. He knew Aelin, better than anyone. Feeling as though she may have caused this, Aelin must have been beating herself over it for hours. He wouldn’t let her suffer it any longer. 

“You don’t know that.” He threw a stiff arm around her, tucking Aelin into his side. “He probably would’ve pursued her still.”

“But then you would have stayed with her. You wouldn’t have gotten on that sled.”

Cassian shrugged, thinking of their situation, “Maybe. Maybe not. If she let me stay, and he followed, I would have ended up in a fight. If she told me to leave her alone, we’d be in the same situation we are now.” He let out a breath.

“I guess you’re right.”

"Of course I’m right. I'm older. I'm smarter than you."

"What?" Aelin laughed, looking up at him incredulously, "A year dickhead. You're older by one year."

"Still counts." He argued smugly. The laughter quickly turned into a pregnant silence before Cassian spoke again. "How is she?"

"Good, all things considered. How are you feeling?"

"Like I drank three bottles of whiskey." He felt like a child, picking at the sheets, "Do--" Cauldron boil him for desperation in the question. "Do you think she'll come by later?"

"I want to say yes, but honestly I don't know. She's exhausted and has been through a lot today. I don't even know if she's going to come out tonight. I mean, this thing between you two was blown open today." Cassian turned to Aelin, confusion and shock prominently displayed on his bruised face, "How much do you remember?"

"Clearly not enough."

Aelin recapped from the moment he struck the tree to the moment Rowan slugged that guy. His heart clenched at the thought of Nesta holding onto Aelin, terrified for him. He’d be sure to issue a thanks to Feyre for helping her. When Aelin went over in detail about the prick who continuously harassed Nesta and called her ungodly things, he became dizzy with the feelings running rampant within. Cassian’s emotions swirled from pain to anger, from frustration that he was so helpless to Nesta in that moment to relief and gratitude towards Rowan for doing what he couldn’t.

When his emotions finally settled on confusion, he stayed silent. For all of Nesta’s talk about not wanting to be in a relationship, her actions in his delirious state proved otherwise. Putting his care before any of her wishes. From Aelin’s description, Nesta showed no annoyance or coldness to him. Her eyes shone with genuine worry and her touches were gentle affection as she worked to calm him. Whatever doubt remained that she didn’t love him, fell away. He hoped she realized being together, truly together would not be such a bad thing. He felt in his bones that this was a step in the right direction. 

Cassian pulled Aelin into a tight hug, regretting it as his aching joints and muscles cried out in pain, “Thanks for taking care of Nes.”

“Don’t worry about it. Despite what people think. I know she’d do the same for me, if it was Rowan.” Aelin leaned against his shoulder, sighing as she confessed, “I hate they don't see her how we do.”

“Me too.”

Before the conversation went too serious his stomach rumbled alerting Aelin, she jumped up, “Oh I almost forgot.” She pulled out a chocolate bar handing it over. “For you. I picked it out of a vending machine. Eat, you’ll feel better.”

He chuckled at the reference, peeling back the wrapper and foil, taking a bite, “Okay, Remus.”

Aelin snorted, “Please. I’m Sirius Black.”

“Yeah, but you’re not. I’m Sirius Black.” he retorted.

“How many times do we argue about this? Sirius is a hot rebel. I am hot and a rebel. Therefore I am Sirius Black.”

“Except you’re not hot.”

Aelin folded her arms, pointing her nose in defiance, “Rowan would disagree.”

As Cassian went to open his mouth, there was a knock at the door. Aelin moved from the bed to answer it with a soft click of the door. There stood Rhys in the hall, she stepped aside letting him in. The light in Cassian’s eyes dimmed a little realizing it wasn’t the person he wanted to see. Not that he minded in the least. He just wanted to see Nesta. 

Rhys rubbed at the back of his neck, shrugging, “Not the person you were expecting huh? Mind if we talk? If you’re up to it.”

“No you’re not.” he confessed, “But yeah we can talk a bit.”

“I’m gonna get going but text me if you need anything.” Aelin pressed a kiss to the top of his head, “Rest. Don’t even think of going out tonight. EMT’s said you have a mild concussion. Rowan is under orders to knock your ass out and bring you back here.”

“Yes mom.” Cassian teased rolling his eyes. Aelin stuck out her tongue leaving the two men alone.

Rhys stepped aside to let Aelin pass. He watched her go, choosing to let himself calm down. After the EMTs let Rhys go, he had made his way to Cassian’s room, anger crackling in his veins. The bastard had the nerve to almost get them killed over what? A woman? Over  _ Nesta _ ? Rhys couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that Cassian will literally give his life for his insufferable counterpart. What did he see in her?

When he was sure he wouldn’t explode, Rhys walked in. He scanned Cassian from head to toe as he dragged a chair next to the bed and took a seat. “What the hell, man?” was all he could think to ask.

“What are you talking about?” 

“Oh, you know, the weather? Or maybe the fact that you could have gotten us killed today if it weren’t for that thick skull of yours. No, that wasn’t a compliment,” Rhys fumed. “And because you were distracted by Nesta?”

Cassian stilled at the mention of her name, and Rhys knew he struck a nerve. Rhys sighed, “Why didn’t you tell me about it?” Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. Cassian’s next words were cold and calculated. One would think he was a military commander and not the sports editor of a men’s magazine. 

“It’s none of your business. And if you’ve only come here to yell at me, you can leave.” Ever since they were paired as roommates with Azriel for their freshman year of college, the only time he had seen this cold fury in Cassian’s eyes was when Aelin went through a rough patch with Rowan.

“You really love her, don’t you?” Rhys asked carefully.

Cassian groaned, running his hands down his bruised face. “Why do people keep saying that? Like it’s impossible.” Rhys only stared at him until he sighed in frustration too exhausted for an argument and whispered, “Yeah, I do.”

“I have to ask. Why?”

Cassian was silent for some time. He wondered how he could explain the depth to Nesta without giving away all of her secrets. The secrets she let him know, at least. “I know what the people at work think of her, the way she carries herself with a cold demeanor. Hell, I used to be terrified of her, but somehow I knew it was all a front. I knew that if I pushed just the right buttons, maybe I’d see the real Nesta. And the real Nesta is one of the most caring people I have ever met.” Cassian lit up, knowing what he said next would get through to him. “I think Nesta helps Feyre and there closer than they let us believe.”

Rhys gaped, there was no way. The two sisters hardly talk, and when they do it’s strained. He said as much, but Cassian shook his head. “Have you ever actually been in the room while Feyre talks to Nesta on the phone? Did you know that they even talk on the phone? Because I have, and it’s more of your average sisterly bickering than anything else. But that’s not all. I think Nesta pays for Feyre’s rent.” Rhys perked up at this. “She asked me to get her mail from her one day and I had noticed a bill from a different apartment complex. Feyre’s apartment complex. I tried to ask her about it, but she waved me off. Said it was none of my business.”

“Feyre would have told me about this.”

Cassian pinned him with a look, “Would she?”

Rhys didn’t need to answer out loud. They both knew the answer to that. Feyre’s pride outweighed every one of her emotions. She had to do everything on her own, or at least, that’s what she thought. Asking for help was not in her specialties, so if this were true, Rhys knew it took every bit of courage she had to confide in her sister.

He sat there, pondering Cassian’s words, trying to make sense of this Nesta that Cassian has fallen in love with. It would seem there was more to Nesta than he knew from work. “Then you have to fight for her.”

Cassian whipped his head toward Rhys and met his gaze. “It’s not that easy.”

“That shouldn't matter if she’s worth it. I know what it’s like,” he confessed, “to love a woman who might not ever care for me in that way. But I’ve fought to stay in her life. To be her closest confidant. It’s better than not having her in my life at all.”

The look Cassian gave him was full of understanding. It was hard hiding his feelings for Feyre, though he tried to mask it as friendly love. But if anyone could see through the charade, it’s Cassian. “How about this, brother? I will fight for Nesta,” he paused, “so long as you continue to fight for Feyre.”

Rhys’ mind was already swirling with more ideas on how to earn Feyre’s heart, as he stood to leave. He placed his hand on Cassian’s shoulder and said, “Deal. As long as you keep me out of life threatening situations,” he joked. Cassian tried to reach out and smack him, but Rhys was already out of reach.

When he opened the door, yet another visitor had come to visit Cassian. But it still wasn’t the visitor he needed to see. “Hey man, are you doing okay?” Rowan asked Rhys.

Rhys nodded. “I’m a lot better off than the idiot in the bed, that’s for sure.” He laughed and walked away from Cassian’s vulgar gesture.

Cassian focused on Nesta’s best friend who looked unsure of himself in the doorway. “You can come in, Rowan,” he laughed. Rowan tentatively obeyed, going to occupy the chair Rhys left by the bed. He was holding a pill bottle in his hands, fiddling with it in a way that he knew was uncommon for Rowan. The silver haired man was always confident, he never wavered. Until now, he guessed.

When Rowan still didn’t say anything, Cassian prompted him, “What’s that?” A switch flipped in Rowan as if he finally remembered what he was doing there. Cassian took the bottle from him when he offered it.

“Aelin asked me to bring that to you. The paramedics said to take one every four hours. Your last was two hours ago, according to her,” he explained.

“Thanks,” Cassian replied, and the two men fell into an awkward silence. “Did you need anything else?”

Rowan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Do I need to give the protective best friend speech?”

Cassian laughed, realizing the two of them hadn’t talked about Nesta alone yet. Except for yesterday morning when Rowan practically yelled at him, so close to starting a fight. That felt so long ago now. “No, I get it. I know you’ll kill me if I hurt her.”

“Good,” he said, visibly relieved he didn’t have to get into that. “I know Nesta wants to talk to you, and I know her well enough to be sure that she’s going to open up to you about her past. Her apprehension about relationships. But I also know she’s going to be scared shitless the entire time.” Rowan looked at Cassian, made sure he held his gaze and understood the words he was saying. “What happened with Nesta… I don't even like to think about it. If she’s trusting you with that information, she’s trusting you with her life.” Rowan took a deep breath and blew it out through his nose. “She told me what she said to you yesterday morning. Aelin and I had a similar moment years ago, but our roles were reversed, and look at us now. That’s how I know you two can get past this.”

“What happened back then, Ro? I remember Aelin when you…”

“When I pushed her away,” Rowan finished for him. “You know her side, but not mine. Years ago, before I met Aelin, I was engaged to someone else. She was four months pregnant when there was an accident. Clearly, they…” Rowan leaned back in his chair, eyes rapidly blinking as he looked out the window.

“I get it,” Cassian said softly, voice thick with understanding.

Rowan cleared his throat, moving on. “That day with Aelin, she… Well, she touched me the same way Lyria did right before she died in the hospital. Our baby already gone. So when she touched me, I snapped.” He paused before lowering his voice, “But what I didn’t realize until later was that she wasn’t a reminder of what I had lost. I was only existing before her, but she brought me back to life. Aelin was--no,  _ is _ \--my lifeline.”

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because that is what you are to Nesta. You are her lifeline. Just as Aelin is mine.” The two men, the two most important men in Nesta’s and Aelin’s lives sat there in companionable silence as Rowan’s words sank into Cassian’s brain. If what Rowan says is true, then there may be hope for him and Nesta yet. Their silence was interrupted by a text on Rowan’s phone.

“Go have fun, Rowan. I’ll be okay. I just need some time to think.” Rowan nodded, standing up to walk out the door. “And thank you. For telling me your story.”

Rowan gave his signature half smile. “You’re practically my brother. We aren’t going to survive the rest of our lives with these women if we don’t have each other’s backs, too,” he chuckled and left, leaving Cassian to his thoughts, his fight for Nesta renewed.

No matter what she had to say, he wasn’t going anywhere.

\---

Nesta sat at a table alone in the corner. She only had a few chapters left of Aelin’s suggested read,  _ Red, White, and Royal Blue _ . With the events of the day, she couldn't focus. All the words seemed to muddle together so she closed it. Opting to settle her chin in her palm, swirl her glass of merlot lazily, lost in thought. Through Aelin, Rowan and even Feyre thanks to Rhys, she knew Cassian was fine. Only needing rest and to take it easy. She told herself that was the reason she hadn’t gone to him yet. No matter how badly Nesta wanted to. All day her feet drifted towards his hall. Before entering, making the brisk walk to his room, she turned in the opposite direction. 

In a closed off room, she wasn’t sure what would happen. Would he talk after his accident or be too exhausted? Would she break down in relief seeing he’s okay or would she scream at him? Maybe she would kiss him the way she’s been dying to. What if he didn’t answer the door? Question upon question rolled around her mind like crashing waves. So lost in that sea of her head she hadn’t realized the bane of her existence slid into the chair across from her. Until he annoyingly cleared his throat. The way he usually did when Rhys needed to say something. Nesta snapped her attention to him.

“Can I help you?” Usually her questions to her counterpart were sharp, cold. To Nesta’s surprise her tone was only laced with exhaustion, and maybe a little relieved for the distraction from her own flurry of questions.

“Do you love him?”

Nesta fixed him a look, glancing over at him, “Unless  _ you’re _ in love with him, I don’t see why I need to answer.”

That earned the lightest chuckle from Rhys. Most likely the only she’d ever elicit from him, “Well from what everyone, including myself, witnessed I think I know the answer.” 

Nesta leaned back in her chair, picking at her nails, “So what? You want to be best friends now? Sorry, the position is filled.”

“No.” Rhys threw his hands up, shaking his head, “Rowan can keep that title. I don’t think we could have that level of friendship.” Nesta tipped her head in agreement, reaching for her glass of wine taking a long swig. Rhys couldn’t blame her. This conversation was as awkward for her as it was for him, “I saw him earlier. Cassian.” he noticed the touch of worrying anticipation in her eyes. “He's good. Tired." He rubbed at the base of his neck, "It's clear we don't like each other. But apparently there's another side to you I don't know. With certain people involved, I think we owe it to them to try.”

She was silent for a moment. Watching Rhys for any ulterior motive in his request. Nesta found none. Only earnest, and if she were honest, it rather unnerved her. “You mean try to be friends?”

“Yes?” he winced. “Acquaintances at the least. I consider Cassian a brother and Feyre is your sister. I believe them when they say you’re not as bad as you seem. Your actions today proved that. If Feyre told you about..”

“Don’t even breathe that bastard's name.” She replied curtly, cutting him off.

“Well, we agree on one thing,” Rhys added. “Anyway, if she told you about that night, then surely you both are closer than I thought.” He chose his words carefully not wanting to throw Cassian under the bus.

“And that’s all you need to know. Feyre’s pride would be at stake,” Rhys laughed lightly as Nesta took another sip of wine finishing off the contents, “Speaking of my sister--” He looked away from Nesta, focusing on the window a few feet away. “--and Cassian. I think we can try. We do owe them that much.” She stood up grabbing her book and her glass. “Two things, Rhysand. One. You ever hurt Feyre,  _ ever _ , and I will tear you apart.” He heard the protectiveness in her, motherly in a way. “Two. Are you sure you can handle me outside of work?”

“I guess we will see.” Nesta chuckled and stepped away. “Wait.” Rhys pulled a black card that shimmered in the overhead lights from his wallet, handing it over to Nesta.

Her brows arched as he handed it to her. She knew that card. She had one of her own. Any higher up in the company was given a company card for trips and other work expenses. “I’m editor in chief too. I have the same thing.”

“It’s for Feyre. I know that she struggles. I’m sure you know that, too. She deserves to have a night where she doesn’t have to worry about prices. If I go up there, she’ll have suspicions. I won’t be here to buy her drinks myself.”

“Charming,” she teased, “I’m getting another glass. I’ll give it to the bartender then and tell him you’ll pick it up tonight.”

“I appreciate it.” Rhys stood preparing to leave, “I’ll see you around. About Cassian,” Nesta took a deep breath. “I think whatever issue you two have, you’ll overcome it.”

Nesta gave him a tight nod. “So I have your blessing?”

“Would it matter if you did?”

The corner of her lip turned into a smirk, “No.” Nesta heard him laugh as she walked towards the busy bar, settling on a stool far from the crowd waiting as the bartender approached her. There was no other word for it. Nesta was exhausted. After the restless night, the drive, the sledding, worrying over Cassian and now the Rhys talk. Another glass sounded like a good plan. Closing her tab sounded equally intriguing. That meant she’d retire for the night. Nesta was still unsure whether to go to her room or his. 

Her plan. The one she had since Friday night was meant to take shape tomorrow when he opened her gift. Today changed everything. Her plan with the tie and her letter teetered on the edge of it.

Aelin slid onto the stool next to Nesta, asking the bartender, “Two more of whatever she’s having, please.”

“I’m not in the mood for a speech, Aelin.”

“Good thing I’m not in a speech giving mood,” Aelin smirked. Nesta raised an eyebrow at her. “Can’t a girl share a glass of wine with a friend?” She raised her glass to Nesta.

Nesta rolled her eyes, but clinked their glasses together and took a long swig. “It’s been a long day,” she said, voice low.

Aelin grunted her agreement. “He wants to see you,” she said carefully.

“I know,” Nesta sighed. “I just…”

“Yeah. I get it.” Aelin swirled her wine a few times, looking into the deep red liquid, thinking of what to say next. “Cassian is scared, Nes,” was the best she could think of.

“What do you mean, he’s scared? I’m the one with the story to tell.”

“Your plan, I take it?” Aelin asked.

Nesta nodded, “Yes, and I’m terrified. I want to tell him everything, the whole truth, but what happened with Tomas…” she trailed off and took another sip of wine to settle her stomach at the thought of her abuser.

“I understand. Gods, I understand you completely. But Cassian is scared in a different way.” To Nesta’s confusion, Aelin explained, “We were orphans, Nes. Foster kids. We were rejected by so many for so long. Except for each other, neither of us have let anyone else into our fragile bubble until, well, you and Rowan. We’ve tried, sure, but it always ends the same. The moment we start growing attached to someone, they’re gone.”

Nesta looked up at Aelin, her turquoise eyes filled with fear. Not for Nesta, never for Nesta, but for her brother. Fear that he could be hurt far worse than he ever has before. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

“I believe you. I just wanted you to know where he’s coming from. You were there on Rowan’s side right before we got together for real. But what Cassian is feeling right now is how I felt all those years ago,” Aelin confessed. “He will be in disbelief for some time. He will doubt his every move, worried that his actions will push you away.”

“They won’t,” Nesta stated confidently.

Aelin nodded. “I know that, and you know that. But it will take some learning for Cassian to be sure of it, too.” Aelin reached across the table to squeeze Nesta’s hand, urging her to make eye contact. To understand Aelin’s next words. “This in no way negates your fears, Nesta. It is completely understandable to feel what you do. But can I ask you a question?”

“Go ahead.”

“I can see how much you love him, I can feel how ready you are to open up this part of you. How ready you are to let him in. So it’s more than that, isn’t it? What else are you afraid of?”

Nesta stayed silent for a moment. She closed her eyes, and from the way she flinched ever so slightly, Aelin could only guess the events from that night were flashing through her mind. Aelin only knew the bare minimum, but it was enough. She remembered Rowan calling her from the hospital to ask her to prepare a space for Nesta in their apartment. She remembered them coming home, Nesta was battered and bruised with a vacant look in her eyes. Rowan’s fists were bandaged, and from a single mention of Tomas’ name, Aelin knew what had transpired. She observed Nesta silently from across the table. Her boss and fiance’s best friend. They say if she can wield a sword the way she can a pen and paper, she could win a war. She was blade given form, but even the sturdiest of metals can break under the wrong conditions.

Nesta squeezed her eyes tighter, jerking away from Aelin’s hand that was still holding hers. That’s when Aelin realized what frightened her so terribly. “Nes,” Aelin spoke softly. “I have known Cassian since I was ten years old. He’s hot headed at best, easily angered at worst, but he will never,  _ ever _ lay a hand on you. You know that, right?”

Nesta sighed, slowly opening her eyes to meet Aelin’s. Aelin knew her answer before she gave a small tilt of her head forward, a simple confirmation. “Thanks, Aelin.”

“Go get him,” Aelin smiled.

Nesta rolled her eyes but couldn’t help the slight upturn of one side of her mouth. After making a quick pit stop at her own room, she made her way to Cassian’s. Despite the fear that coiled in her gut, a tiny spark of hope fluttered in her heart. She really was thankful for Aelin coming to talk to her. It solidified her resolve to get through this once and for all.

When her feet brought her to his room, however, Nesta’s nerves flared once more. She stood in front of his door, staring at the brass numbers as if the door would magically open on its own. A stupid thought truly. All she had to do was knock. Her hand curled into a fist ready to touch the door. An inch away and it was like an invisible wall that she couldn’t break through.

Then it happened.

The door softly clicked, pulling back into the room. It was like he knew she was there waiting, silently calling for him and he answered. Her breath caught taking him in. Worlds different than how he was earlier that day. Except for the bruises along his face, dusting his collarbone and most likely his chest you wouldn’t have known he crashed into a tree hours ago. In the span of seconds, Nesta was brought back to that moment. To Cassian lifeless in the snow, suddenly she couldn’t breathe. The world was closing in around her.

The shock of her standing there in the doorway robbed Cassian of any speech. Walking to the door he had a feeling it was her. Opening it and realizing it was Nesta, that was an entirely different thing. Nothing in his head seemed right to do until her eyes shined with silver, her lip trembling. He knew she was thinking of earlier today. 

“You’re okay?” she choked out.

Cassian nodded.

“Good.” Nesta repeated his movement clearing her throat, “You ever scare the shit out of me again. I’ll kill you myself.”

He chuckled, clutching his side when he did, “Come here.”

Nesta took the few steps in between them, closing the distance as her hands slipped under his arms. It was like walking into her condo after a long day of work, burying herself under a blanket, relaxing with a good book or show. Except the home was Cassian, the blanket was his arms and shirt, Nesta nuzzled into the fabric inhaling the scent that was so perfectly Cassian, and the good book wasn’t a book at all. It was music, the steady lullaby of his beating heart. Her eyes shut, succumbing to the comfort of her new home.

Cassian wrapped her in his embrace, feeling her fingers twist into the fabric of his shirt as she released a breath. Tentatively, Cassian ran a thumb along the swell of her back. The other hand running through the loose strands of her golden hair, pressing a kiss into the soft tresses murmuring that it’s okay. In response all she did was squeeze his shirt tighter, not ready to let go. He didn’t rush her inside. Cassian stood there until she finally loosened her grip. He seized the opportunity to slip his fingers in between hers, silently guiding her into the room and shutting the door.

Cupping her cheek, his thumb traced along her cheekbones as he brought her lips close to his. Their noses brushed against one another.

“Wait.” Nesta breathed warmly against his lips, “If you kiss me, I’ll forget about this conversation.” Nesta pulled away and sat on the bed.

“You really want to do this now?” He followed her to the bed, settling against the pillows. “It’s been a long day, Nes.”

He caught her unwavering expression, telling him this wasn’t debateable, “Do you want to be with me?” 

“I think I’ve made that clear.”

“Then there are some things you need to know about me and my past,” Nesta said, proud that her voice didn’t reveal the butterflies that were in her stomach. Slowly but surely, her resolve to make it through this conversation and move on with their lives returned.

Cassian interrupted her first, “Nesta, you don’t need to tell me if you aren’t ready. I can wait, we can start over. I-- I’m sorry for yelling yesterday, Nes. I let my emotions take over, and I wasn’t thinking.”

Nesta shook her head. “No. I appreciate the apology but you had every right to feel the way that you did. And me… I’m ready.”

Cassian heard the unspoken words:  _ I’m ready to let you in.  _ So he simply nodded, letting her steer the conversation at her own speed.

"I, uh," a nervous chuckle fell from her lips. Nesta pulled out a box from her coat pocket. It was wrapped in a glittering red paper, his name etched on a white tag in Nesta’s elegant scripture. "This is for later."

Cassian offered a curt nod, taking the gift and putting it on the nightstand. He watched as Nesta shifted with an unease he's never once witnessed from her. She stood, pacing a few steps, then sat back on the bed, only to stand again to repeat the process over. Nesta slipped out of her coat, laying it on an empty chair. She pulled her hands down her face, to the back of her neck, rubbing vigorously. He prepared himself for whatever it was she would say to him. Seeing Nesta in this state... it was unsettling. Cassian's insides twisted in nerves as he no doubt knew hers was. 

Nesta finally settled on the bed, sitting against the headboard. "Do you ever look up at the sky, and at first it's bright and sunny, but you can tell there's a storm coming? Subtle grey clouds at first. Then they become ominous. Dark and foreboding, lightning in the sky and the roar of thunder follows. You don't go inside. Only tell yourself just a few more minutes. Until you become trapped in a storm?"

“Usually I just run inside.” he shrugged, Nesta pursed her lip with a tight nod. “I get what you’re saying.”

“Well that’s what happened.”

His brows furrowed slightly. Cassian rearranged himself on the bed, sitting adjacent to her. His feet resting against her legs. “What happened?” Nesta wrung her hands, a hazy look took over her features. He didn’t miss the way her eyes shook when she said one word, one name.

“Tomas.” Nesta regretted her lids closing. Closing off her vision, everything flooded back. The shouts, the screams, the pain. Like slipping into a cold darkness of haunted memories. She willed herself to open her eyes. Focus on Cassian, the wall, at this point anything. They wouldn’t open. Instead she tumbled further into the past. An anchor pulling her down into a sea of fear and depression. 

“Breathe.” she felt a warm hand on hers, firm and steady yet gentle. Taking her from the shadowed depths of her mind. “Deep inhale, slow exhale.” Nesta listened. “Good. Again.” Slowly, her eyes opened again. “Better?”

“A little. I haven’t talked about this. To anyone.” She swallowed tensely meeting his shocked expression, “Rowan and Aelin know. Feyre knows we broke up, that's it.”

Nesta went quiet again, Cassian reached out for her hand. Smoothing over her skin with his thumb. He listened as she told her story. In the beginning how picturesque their relationship was. A fairytale romance, until it wasn’t. With each word, her gaze turned distant. He focused on Nesta. The way she shifted a dozen times, pacing her speech. His heart broke seeing this fearless woman terrified by memories. It caused his blood to boil too, knowing someone she cared for struck her with a wound so deep. A part of him wanted to leave the room, the mountains, and find Tomas. 

“We moved in together. That’s when everything changed.” she squeezed his hand in reassurance. “At first the jabs were dull. A ragged knife. As the days went on they sharpened. I wouldn’t take the comments sitting down. I stood up to him.” she turned away from Cassian, “then his fist met my face.”

Cassian only saw red. The thought of bolting out the door and finding Rowan to help him track this bastard down roared in his head. Only Nesta sitting here, shattered kept him sane enough to stay. It was difficult to hear anything more. To listen to Nesta as she went into detail about the ways he harmed her, forced himself on her, and made her feel less than herself with things like,  _ You made me do this Nes.  _ Things clicked into place for him. Nesta being hesitant on going forward, the nightmares she had. They were of Tomas coming home wasted looking for a fight.

“But I loved him. He was that violent storm in the sky. Raining down on me. I didn’t run for cover. I drowned in the rain. Until Rowan had enough.”

Nesta continued with her tale. Rowan noticing her walking around the office like a ghost. Their weekly hangouts became monthly, then none. Even the text and calls slowed. She mentioned how he saw her grow thin. Nesta, being the prideful woman she was, kept quiet. If Rowan knew he would kill the man. As twisted as her relationship was, she still loved. Her best friend, the person who saw past clipped words and too much makeup, had seen the bruises. Watched her turn into a ghost of herself.

“The last time I saw him, Tomas came home drunk of course.” Her lips trembled as she held onto to keep her voice neutral. “We started yelling as usual. A phone rang so I answered. It was another woman.” She let out a shaky breath, Cassian braced himself. “After all the months, I lashed out. And he...” Nesta described how he shouted at her saying he wouldn’t sleep with other women if she opened her legs like this. Pushing and tearing her clothing. She winced bringing up a broken coffee table, a hole in the wall. “There was a knock at the door. I’m sure Rowan saved my life that night.” the tears she’d been holding in since starting this conversation, burned as they dripped down her cheek. “Rowan pushed his way in. He had this  _ look _ in his eyes.” Nesta shuddered in response to the memory. The calming rage in her friend’s eyes. “He grabbed a blanket, covered me up. Then he went to Thomas. He made him suffer for every touch, every word that bastard said to me. Probably would’ve killed him if I didn’t call his name. Rowan told him to leave the city, if Tomas came back he’d finish what he started. Then he picked me up and took me to the hospital.”

Cassian scooted off the bed, walking to where Nesta sat on the opposite side, crouching down before her, “Nesta,” His voice tight, restrained from all the emotions swirling inside him, “Sweetheart, I would never..”

“I know,” she replied, “It’s stupid but the fear is still there. I’m still healing. I wasn’t sure I was ready and I didn’t want you to get involved with my mess.”

His hazel eyes sparkled with affections, “Messes are easier to handle when you have someone to help. Let me, I  _ want _ to help.”

Nesta locked her gaze with his as she spoke in earnest. “It’s a big mess.”

“You’re 5’2 it’s not that big.” Nesta tried to laugh when Cassian pulled her into his arms instead she shook in his embrace, tears staining his shirt with a sense of relief, from unleashing her story on him, and Cassian keeping her steady through the storm of her past. It took no time for Nesta to succumb to sleep. Body and mind drained of everything she had. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Y'all here we are the end of this lovely tale. We would love to issue our thanks to all of you for reading and supporting our story. We couldn’t have done with you ❤. As we mentioned previously, we will be continuing a writing journey together with more fics on the way. If you’d like to keep tabs on our future works be sure to follow starborn-illyrian.tumblr.com. Our next big project, Archeron, will be soon and we're so excited for you all to read it!
> 
> Since we’ve been hitting you guys heavy with angst these past couple parts. Enjoy the filth and fluff that is part 6.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *NSFW Content Warning*

With a well rested groan, Cassian shifted slightly, careful to not wake Nesta, removing his arm from underneath her body. He hated to move, but his own body was stiff crying out in pain. He needed some relief. That sadly the warmth of Nesta’s body couldn’t provide. Strands of her honeyed hair stuck to her face, an affectionate grin tugged at the corner of his lips. Brushing away the stray pieces with a swoop of his hand, Nesta burrowed into the pillows with a relaxed groan. 

Cassian reached out to the night stand, grabbing the bottle Rowan dropped off, taking his dosage. Tossing the pills into his mouth, he caught the shimmering reflection of crimson. Nesta’s gift.  _ For later _ , she told him. Then she unleashed her past on him. He was sure some of the ache, especially in his chest, wasn’t from the accident. But her story. Nesta was one of the strongest people he knew. For her to suffer like that and keep it inside to continue on every day... Cauldron, he admired her more for it. 

Taking one long look at her sleeping form, Cassian went for it. Taking the small box quietly, he unwrapped it. Inside there was a scarlet tie and a piece of paper. He chuckled. It’s been months since he saw that tie. He remembered Nesta pulling him down on her, undoing the silken fabric, tossing it aside as it landed perfectly into her wine glass. Sure enough upon further inspection, half of the tie was darker than the rest. 

His attention dropped to the neatly folded slip of paper. Nesta was silent still, breathing heavily. He picked up the paper, unfolding it. Her elegant script covered the page along with random splotches of ink smeared across discolored parts of the paper. He realized she must have cried writing this. He held his breath and read.

_ Cassian, _

_ Gods, this is stupid. I should be talking to you, not writing a letter. You're still upset and I get it. I would be too. I opted for this plan instead: I switched Rowan’s secret santa to get you instead. So I can speak with you.  _

_ What I said, about the idea of you… I didn't mean it. I meant the idea of a relationship. If you give me the chance, I'll explain that to you. I bear scars, deep wounds from that, and I don't know if it's possible to overcome.  _

_ This--what we had, or have. At first, yes, I wanted only sex. To scratch an itch my body needed. Craved. Then I had my first nightmare. Do you remember? I woke up screaming. Throwing up my arms in protection. You. You didn't get scared. Immediately, you threw your arms around me, and held me until it passed. It was then I knew things were changing.  _

_ After that, I looked at you differently. Before I knew it the broken cracks of me were healing. Because of you.  _

_ Still, I struggled with the term relationship. When I tell my past with Tomas in person, that is if you wanna listen, you'll understand where I'm coming from. At least I hope so. _

_ If you want to be done with me, I understand. I do. But I wish you would hear me out. For what it's worth, you made me feel again. If you're willing to hear me out, I'm willing to try.  _

_ When I talked to Rowan Friday morning, he told me to ask myself two questions. One, if I’m ready to lose you completely and two, are you worth the risk? My answers are no, I am not ready to lose you completely. And yeah, I guess you're worth the risk. _

_ Even though you piss me off daily, I'm in love with you. I love the way you laugh with your entire body. It's stupid and I find it charming. The way you dance and sing horribly off-key when you cook. The food you cook, I love that too. You're not afraid of me. In fact, you said you think my attitude is sexy. I love how you just know me. When I need you and when I don't. My favorite thing about you, Cassian, is how you look at me. Like I'm everything you ever dreamed and more. _

_ Before I embarrass myself anymore, I'm going to end this. _

_ Yours, _

_ Nesta _

His eyes darted across the paper again and again. Heart swelling with affection as he did so. Her actions thus far seemed geared towards it. But having Nesta’s confession in her writing, confirming it, Cassian had to check his pulse to make sure he was still alive. He didn't have to fulfill his promise to Rhys about fighting for her. He'd already won.

He set the tie, box, and the note down turning to Nesta. From this angle, he could see her faint freckles dusted across her cheeks by the wintry sunlight peeking through the window. Lifting the sheets to slide back under, he realized Nesta must have removed her jeans sometime in the night. A crooked grin formed on his face leaning over to her.

"One," he whispered, his lips brushing over the first freckle. He kissed another and another and another, "two, three, four." Nesta groaned trying to bury her face further into the pillow, simultaneously shoving a hand against his face pushing him away. Cassian wrapped his hand over hers bringing her knuckles to meet his lips. Proceeding to flip Nesta on her back, her eyes shot open with ferocity shooting a cold in his direction. He didn’t care, swinging his body over hers. Pinning Nesta’s arms down, he caged her beneath him to continue his freckle counting, “five, six, seven.” Until she finally shouted.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Counting your freckles. With my lips.” He pressed his mouth on her nose, “Eight.” Before she could protest, his mouth was on hers. Tentative and sweet, relishing in the way the softness of her lips felt against his firm ones. Nesta hummed her approval, arms encircling around his neck. She brought Cassian down to her, increasing the depth of their kiss. His tongue delved between her parted lips.

Nesta’s hands trailed up into his thick, sleep tousled locks. Nails raked along his scalp as her fingers twisted around the strands. Cassian groaned in want at the action. Instinctively, she hooked a leg over his, drawing Cassian closer. She felt him harden and press into her inner thigh. In one fell motion, he gripped her shirt, discarding the fabric. Then his mouth latched onto her neck. Hot breaths and slickness of his tongue dancing along her flesh. An explorative hand found her breast, cupping and squeezing through the lace bra. A spark of desire thrummed through her at the motion. 

Gods, she had missed this. The way he made her body sing with a single brush of his lips and a dominating hand. They’ve gone more than two days without tearing each other's clothes off before. But almost losing him for good somehow increased the sensation of his touch. Where it was once just a burn, a heated ache, Nesta now was being engulfed by flames from the inside out. Both her legs were now over his as she writhed beneath him, arching her body to meet him. Cassian chuckled on her throat.

"I see you woke up ready to play," he teased, pulling away to gaze down on Nesta. Her cheeks were tinted pink, lips swollen and parted from fresh kisses. Her stormy blues swirled in wanton lust, like darkened clouds moving swiftly in the winds. 

"I see you've entered the game," she retorted, glancing in between their bodies. He grinned wickedly.

"Good morning." He pressed a kiss to her jaw. The hand on her breast trailed downward. His fingers lazily brushed over her silken skin, searching for a home. Her breath hitched as they inched further below, toying with fabric of her undergarments, sliding underneath the band. "Sleep well?"

"Best I've..." she trailed off as those damned digits of his stroked along her covered womanhood. Feeling her wetness through her undergarment, she moaned needing that touch physically on her. "Mmm had in…" Cassian seemed intent on playing, settling his head between her thighs. Inhaling the sweet scent of her arousal, the tip of nose brushed where his fingers were. "In--in a long...oh." Then his tongue quickly followed, licking the soaked fabric. "Time," she breathed.

"Good." Cassian replied, looping his fingers under the fabric, pulling her garments off, tossing them to the side. "I think we should make the morning even better. What do you think?"

"I think you should shut the fuck up and take your pants off." 

Cassian only laughed, removing his shirt feeling Nesta’s darkened gaze on the toned form of his body. "Soon, sweetheart," he crooned, returning to his position, ignoring the strained tightness under his sweats, begging, aching to be freed. “Now, where were we?”

She watched him under a hooded gaze as he positioned himself between her legs, looping his arms under both. His eyes met hers exploring his way up her thigh by the touch of his lips, paying close attention to the scar on Nesta’s left side. Months ago, she explained it was an injury from her childhood. Given her story the night before, he wasn’t sure anymore. He’d ask her at a later date. Refusing to ruin the morning they both deserved. He placed a gentle, featherlite brush of his mouth on the faint scar before continuing on.

Reaching the apex of her thighs, he buried his nose into her sex, inhaling that natural scent of hers. The one he could drown himself in if possible. His mouth latched onto her soaked folds, tongue lapping against her in lust driven hunger. Nesta threw her head back into pillows, moaning out as she did so. 

Her hands trailed down to her breasts, pulling them up and over their confinement. Fingers roughly massaging the tender flesh, she rolled her peaked nipples the way she knew drove him wild with want. She didn’t have to look down to feel the burning intensity of his gaze on her. Nesta continued working herself, nails digging into her shapely chest, simultaneously grinding her heated core against his face. The quickened pace of his tongue sweeping and delving into her was driving her to the edge. 

Letting go of her leg, Nesta took the chance to wrap it around his broad shoulder. Stretching a hand into his hair, grasping the strands as Cassian worked his fingers on her clit, moving in fast and slow ministrations. Her opposite hand dropped from her chest into his hair, desperately seeking, needing more of him. Cassian understood her plea, plunging his finger into her aching sex, using a beckoning motion stroking her velvet walls while he sucked and licked her sensitive bud. 

Nesta became a panting, writhing mess the faster and harder he worked. Her toes curled at the nape of his neck as the heat in her belly flowed through her body, hips quaking as she chased her high, succumbing to his touch. 

Cassian didn’t waste a moment, discarding his sweats and undergarments in seconds. Angling himself over Nesta, a roguish grin was plastered on his face. Nesta pulled him onto her, crashing her lips to his, needing his mouth on hers. He pumped his cock once, twice before stroking along her soaked folds, then guiding himself taking her to the hilt. A guttural groan escaped Cassian as her walls clenched around him, conforming to his generous length.

His arms wrapped around her, flipping their positions. Nesta braced herself, fingers clutching on his muscled chest as she swirled her hips, leaning down to capture his lips once more. Her tongue met his, encircling around one another. He fisted a hand into her honeyed locks, the other finding her breasts, working the soft tissue in his palm from underneath her breast to the top and back again. Cassian broke the kiss, peppering kisses down her throat, sucking at her pulse point. Nesta undid the clasp of her bra, letting it fall. 

He latched onto her breast, flicking her hardened nipple with his tongue. Teeth nipping at the sensitive flesh. The hunger in his movements was enough to drive back from the edge. She rode him, bouncing over his cock at different paces, slow, fast, and combination of the two. Each motion had him groaning and panting into her breast as his hand grasped the other, mirroring the same motions. 

Nesta craved more of him. To hit that sweet spot that electrified her body in delectable ways. Between heated breaths, she begged him to go deeper, harder. Cassian sat up meeting her in this position, holding her hips as he thrust into her just as she pleaded. Instinctively, Nesta twined her arms under his, digging into the slick skin of his back, rolling her herself against him. Her head was thrown back in ecstasy. Her speech turned to wanton mutters. She could feel the heat of his mouth on her neck, tug at her ear, and then her jaw.

Lifting her body, Nesta took his cock her palms, running along his shaft in a circular motion, riding the tip of him. She melded her body with his, running her tongue along his neck, stopping to place heated kisses in spots that drove him wild, til she hovered over his mouth. Their heated gazes locking.

“You’re--“ he groaned as Nesta tightened her hold, Cassian’s hips bucked in response, “--gonna be the death of me.” 

“Good,” she breathed, letting go of his manhood, slamming down on his lap. 

His hands moved to her pert ass, rocking her with a needy fervor, as his climax began to take place. Cassian’s motions were in a rocky, unsteady rhythm as his breathing became more erratic with each deep thrust. Nesta kept one hand at the base of his neck, bringing his head to hers, sharing panting breaths. The other rubbed her clit, the fire in her belly roaring through her again like wildfire. Cassian kissed her in searing passion, grunting as he spilled into her. He continued his thrusts as her walls clenched around him, milking him of his remaining orgasm.

Nesta laid her head against his shoulder, Cassian running soothing circles along her back as their breathing regulated. The two of them came down from their high, and Cassian took her face in his hands, kissing her all over. Nesta wrapped her hands around his wrists, brows drawn together, a soft smile graced her face. Tender and intimate, only for him to see.

“I take it you’re feeling better.” 

“I have you,” he replied and looked back at the night stand with the open gift, “and you love me. So yeah. I am.”

“Love doesn’t heal a concussion and I told you, that was for later.”

“Shows what you know,” he mumbled, toying with the ends of her hair, “and for the record it  _ is  _ later.”

“It doesn’t,” she chuckled, kissing his jawline as she climbed off of him. “Rest does.” She reached for her clothes, slipping the shirt over her head. Sitting on the mattress, Nesta leveled a gaze with him before glancing at the mess of sheets. “The letter--” she let out an exasperated sigh, “I had this plan, which clearly didn’t go exactly the way I thought it would since someone couldn’t keep his eyes on the sled path.” Cassian looked to take offense, opening his mouth to speak, but she raised a hand. “Shut it, and let me talk about my plan.” He reached over for a shirt wiping them both clean. “I wanted to fix things the second you drove away.” Her voice went quiet. Cassian glanced away not wanting to ruin the morning they’ve been enjoying. “You see, when people ask me question after question, each one angrier than the last… Tomas did that. I can’t think, I shut down and I can’t make sense of what I’m saying.”

“I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

Nesta waved his comment off, “You didn’t know. I never told you.” She took a breath, watching him pull his sweats on, rejoining her on the bed, slipping his fingers in between hers. “Anyway, I knew I had to get you back. The question was how. So I found that tie in my apartment and I wrote you a letter.” The padding of her thumb ran along his hand. “I sent you those pictures and updated you on my arrival. The pictures were to show you I’m serious. The update...”

“Was to see if I’d wait,” he finished for her.

Nesta nodded. “The next part.” She inhaled deeply, then exhaled, “I was planning on leaving you alone until the exchange, which seems reckless now that I think about it.”

“Wait.” Cassian situated himself to get a better look at her. “You were going to profess your love for me in front of everyone?” His hazel eyes sparked with awe and amusement. The winning smile plastered on his face, stretching from ear to ear, melted any remnants of ice around her heart.

“What can I say? I guess we’re both reckless idiots,” she commented. “I hated the past couple days, but it made me realize something I’ve been denying myself.” Her eyes found his, searching for any doubt, any indication that he would back away. Cassian only moved closer to her. “I realized that this risk is worth it.” She thought of Aelin’s words, how he never had someone to call his own. “I want to be your family.” Her hands slid along his freshly shaven face, and his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her to him. She whispered into his ear, “Cassian, I love you.”

All he could do was tuck Nesta into the confines of his arms, the weight of everything she had done, for him, for them, since Friday. The fact she bared her soul in front of him, was willing and ready to declare her love for him in front of everyone. After years and years of finding his own makeshift families, here was this devastatingly beautiful, sharp tongued woman wanting to be with him out of the love in her heart. Not because of a kin ship in a broken home or college buddies. But because she loved him, well and truly. He was rendered speechless. His only response was to hold her tightly, as if she’d float away if he let her go. 

Cassian cupped her face gently, forcing her to meet his silver-lined hazel eyes, “I love you. I will spend every moment showing you this.” Her lips pressed together. “And because of that, sweetheart, if you’re not ready to be public, we don’t have to.”

“I’m okay.” she shrugged. “Besides everyone knows now,” He laughed with his whole body at that. “Before we meet everyone at the exchange, I need to go back to my room to shower and change.”

“I’m coming with.”

Nesta rolled her eyes, hopping off the bed. “If you insist.” 

Cassian picked up on the teasing jab, looking over at Nesta as she pulled her bottoms on. A simple everyday movement that caused his heart to flutter ridiculously. She glanced over at him, stormy blues alight with a tender emotion he’s never seen before. 

Reaching into his suitcase for a shirt, his attention was caught by a shimmering box. Since Nesta had been so open with him, he could give this to her here and now. Grabbing the box, Cassian walked around, kneeling before her. “I have something for you.”

Her brows raised in curiosity as he handed her a rectangular box in silver wrapping. She only looked at him to the box and back again. Cassian urged her to open it, so she did. Gingerly tugging at the crimson band, undoing the wrapping, she lifted the lid of the box. Nesta gasped at the necklace before her. The breath was taken straight from her lungs as her eyes danced, admiring the teardrop necklace, a diamond sitting at the base of the loop, encased between two rubies. The sunlight from the window illuminated the jewels making them shine brighter. 

“Cassian...this is-- it’s gorgeous. I love it.” He waited for the  _ but  _ he knew was coming. “But did you have to use your favorite color?”

Awkwardly, he rubbed at the nape of his neck, “I, uh...” bashfully laughing, “I bought it as a promise to you, obviously before this weekend. It was a promise that I’m serious about you.” Cassian pulled the necklace out, undoing the latch and rehooked it once it was on her, “That even when we’re pissed at each other, it’s only you for me. The color was to remind you of me.”

Nesta laughed at his confession, glancing down, her fingers running over the jewels. “Thank you.” He stood, kissing the top of her head. His way of saying you’re welcome. He knew in that moment, they’d fight still. Hell, he was sure she knew it too. But in the end they’d have each other. Always.

\--

The sunrise in the Staghorn Mountains was a sight to behold. That moment when the sun barely appears over the tall peaks, casting a haze over the snow covered caps. The best spots at the lodge to catch the first rays of the day are the balconies that face east. This is where Rhys found Feyre the morning after he threw himself off the back of a sled.

She was perched on a loveseat, a sketchbook settled over a heavy blanket draped across her lap.Though it remained untouched as she stared off into the mountains. From the distance, Rhys watched her for a moment, admiring the way the sunlight accentuated the golden highlights in her hair. She wasn’t wearing gloves, so his eyes caught on the black tattoo on her right hand, a pattern of swirls and stars. He was with her when she got it, not too long after she left Tamlin.

His step was a little too loud as he started towards her, and she whipped her head towards the noise. Her expression softened as she realized it was him, and offered a quiet, “Hey.”

“May I join you, Feyre darling?” In answer, she lifted the blanket, inviting him to share its warmth. Rhys happily obliged. They sat in silence, savoring it before joining the others. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, breaking the quiet.

Feyre turned her head to face him. He never failed to be awestruck by her beautiful eyes. “For?”

He shrugged. “For being an ass to Nesta for no reason. I didn’t know…”

“... that she helps me?” Feyre finished for him. “It’s okay, Rhys. You weren’t supposed to know. No one was. I don’t… I don’t like appearing weak. You know that.” Rhys nodded, agreeing. He did know that, but it didn’t make him feel any better.

“I only wish you trusted me with that information,” he confessed. He looked away from her but didn’t miss her sharp intake of breath as she realized what he was afraid of. That she would never trust him fully.

Feyre grabbed his hand above the blanket, holding it securely in hers, saying “This had nothing to do with my trust in you, Rhys. I trust you more than I trust myself sometimes. It’s just-- I was left a step below rock bottom after Tamlin. I had nightmares, panic attacks. I was  _ scared _ . Constantly, I feared for my life. But you--” She squeezed his hand, forcing him to look at her. “You were my light in the darkness. My lifeline. Whenever I’m with you, I forget what I had lost because of him. I didn’t want to jeopardize that. My mind wouldn’t accept losing my dearest friend, too.”

“Feyre, I had no idea. I--”

She shook her head, cutting him off. “You weren’t supposed to know,” she repeated. “But you may as well know now. Nesta helps me pay for my living expenses so that all of my income can go towards my student loans. Then once my loans are finally paid off, I can save for better graphic design equipment and hopefully start making my way in the field. I have a long way to go but I’m closer than I would have been if it weren’t for my sister.”

Rhys turned this information over in his mind, thinking of ways he could help her, too. Every fiber of his being longed to make her life better. “I suppose I should give Nesta my thanks.”

Feyre scoffed, “She’d chew your head off if you tried.”

“Touche,” Rhys chuckled. “Speaking of Nesta…” he trailed off, remembering their bet from yesterday morning. That felt like so long ago.

“Yes…?” Feyre prompted him, a slight tremor in her voice.

“It would seem you were right. For once.” That earned him a slap on the shoulder, and Rhys’ laugh echoed between the mountains. “Cassian put on a show yesterday. He nearly killed us both because he was blind. Blinded by Nesta.” He glanced at Feyre, but her face showed no emotion. Not even shock from discovering her sister’s secret relationship. And then it dawned on him. “You knew?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that.” Her mouth drew into a thin line. Somehow, this wasn’t news to her. But if she already knew, why didn’t she say anything? Unless, she hid it because she didn’t want to follow through with their bet. She didn’t want to kiss him.

Rhys tried to make his voice stay steady, “You don’t have to kiss me, Feyre.”

“But the bet.”

“I’m not going to force you to kiss me if you don’t want to because of a  _ bet _ .” He lowered his voice and stared at a spot on the blanket. “I’m not that kind of guy.”

He felt her cold fingers on his face and he turned to her. The air was still around them as she leaned in and pressed her lips to his. It was quick but firm and Rhys’ world turned upside down. She pulled back and her eyes searched his own. He couldn’t decipher the look in her eyes, his lips still tingling from the chaste kiss. He felt like a teenager learning about girls all over again.

Rhys hardly had time to laugh at himself for that because then her lips were claiming his once more. He gasped but didn’t pull away. Instead, he reached up to cup the back of her head, his fingers threading through her golden hair to deepen their kiss. Rhys has waited a long time for this and it took all of his will power not to push her too far.

Feyre pulled away and this time the shock and regret were clear on her face. Rhys’ heart plummeted into his stomach as she scrambled off the loveseat gathering her belongings in one arm as she stood, her fingers touching her lips. “I-- I’ll see you downstairs.”

And then she ran, leaving Rhys alone on the balcony with the sun glaring at him.

\---

Aelin watched from where she sat on a bar stool next to the table that will soon be filled with gifts for the Prythian Printing gift exchange. She removed the candy cane she was working on from her mouth to take a sip of her extra sweet peppermint mocha. Rowan curled a lip in disgust all while his fiancee hummed in approval at the drink. Aelin noticed his disgusted expression. 

“Want some?” she teased, shaking the cup in his direction. He faked a gag pushing it back towards her.

“I like my teeth where they are,” he replied coolly, reaching for his black coffee.

“You mean you like your coffee like your soul,” she mumbled into her cup. She yelped when Rowan pinched her side, reminding her where all this sugar is going.

Aelin swatted him on the back of the head and commanded, “Get up and let Elide sit down, Buzzard.” Their very pregnant friend waddled over, immediately sitting in the chair Rowan just vacated. Her breathing was a bit labored, and Aelin could only guess how tiring her pregnancy is for her. Helping her friend, she turned to Rowan, asking sweetly, “Baby, would you mind helping Elide by passing out the gifts for her? We wouldn’t want her to have to get up and down constantly, right?”

Rowan narrowed his eyes at his fiancee’s saccharine smile. “Right, Fireheart.”

“Great! Stand next to her,” she directed. “I think we’re just waiting on Nesta so she and Rhys can make an announcement before we start.”

As if summoned, the door to the dining room they’re using for the exchange burst open, and in walked Nesta and Cassian. The latter’s arm slung around the shoulders of the former. Aelin’s brows rose and she glanced at Rowan whose eyes were laser focused on the couple. A silence fell over the room as everyone turned their attention to Nesta and Cassian.

Aelin feared for a moment that Nesta was going to bolt. That this new attention on her for her relationship status was going to be too much. But her fear turned to amusement as Cassian saluted the crowd and Nesta elbowed him in the side in response. Aelin hadn’t noticed the physical tension in the room until the others chuckled and returned to what they were doing before.

“Alright, everyone!” Rhys called over the chatter. “Now that the lovely Terra Editor in Chief has graced us with her presence, let’s get this party started! Elide, if you please.”

“Okay! We’re going to go in order of the list I have here, and my assistant, Rowan, is going to hand them out.” She looked down at her list. “First up is Amren!”

Even though Aelin knew Rowan traded for Amren, he still made a show of looking for which gift was hers. He picked up the small box and crossed the room to hand it to her. She nodded his thanks, silver eyes gleaming, and Rowan went back to his spot at the front of the room. Nesta sat down next time, giving him a shy smile. Rowan wrapped his arm around his best friend, happy to see her smiling again.

Everyone watched as she hungrily opened her gift and lifted a necklace from the box. A  _ sapphire _ necklace. Her excitement dulled ever so slightly.

Fenrys barked a laugh, “You better run, bird brain.”

Rowan’s face was fearful as he turned to Nesta, “I thought you said it was a fucking ruby,” he accused.

Nesta shook her head, a bemused look on her face. “That’s what I ordered! They must have gotten it wrong.”

“And you didn’t think to look?!”

“Obviously not! I was dealing with the--” she glances at cassian, “--situation.”

Rowan sighed, relenting. Aelin dared to look at Amren whose murderous eyes were turned on Rowan. She heard him tell Nesta, “You better cry harder than Aelin at my funeral.”

Nesta laughed. “Don’t tell me you’re scared of her, too.”

“I’m not, I’m not.” He glanced at Amren again and visibly shrank back. “My death better be worth it, Archeron.”

“Next,” Elide interjected, moving on, “is Mor!” She gestured at Rowan to get up and deliver the present. Mor tore into it with an enthusiasm that almost matched Amren’s. She beamed as she unwrapped a beautiful bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon.

“Ohh, can I have some?” Fenrys piped up.

Mor cut him a look. “No, get your own.”

He sidled up to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “Come on, Mor… Wine, you, me, what do you say?”

Mor shoved him away. “Fenrys, I swear to the Cauldron-blessed,  _ shut up _ .”

“This is going great, guys,” Elide rolled her eyes. “Lorcan, baby, you’re next.” When Lorcan opened the motorcycle helmet, gifted from Feyre, Elide scolded him. “You are not getting on that godforsaken vehicle until our baby can walk, do you hear me?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Lorcan sighed.

“ _ Whipped _ ,” Fenrys said, hiding it in a fake cough. Lorcan glared at him.

“I will throw a knife at your head,” he threatened.

“MOVING ON.” Lorcan moved to give his wife a shoulder rub, appeasing her slightly. Elide sighed. “Aedion.”

“I’ve got it!” Mor exclaimed, stopping Rowan before he could move to the gift table. She practically ran to give Aedion his gift, her entire body shaking in excitement. Aelin looked at Lysandra. Her friend watching intently from Aedion’s side as he gingerly took the gift from Mor. 

Aelin, Mor, and Lysandra, stood together waiting with bated breath as he removed the tissue paper from the bag and pulled out a baby onesie. Her poor cousin looked so confused.

“What does it say?” Aelin eagerly prompted him.

He read the words as though they were a novel, “Strong Like Daddy.” Across the room, Gavriel laughed, joy radiating through the older man. Aedion looked at Mor and rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. “I, uh, I’m not sure if this is my size.”

Taking pity on him, Lysandra sat next to him, touching his arm. “Aedion,” she said softly. Aedion turned his attention to his wife’s face, then to the hand reaching for his own, resting on her abdomen.

His eyes widened, filling with tears he attempted to blink away. He whispered still in disbelief, “No way. When?”

Lysandra grinned when Aedion splayed his fingers under her warm palms to her still-flat belly. “I found out right before we came here. Mor and Aelin came with me to go get a test. It was Aelin’s idea for Mor to get you a onesie.” Aelin beamed with pride and love for her cousin. She may have shed a tear watching Aedion wrap his wife in his arms. She knew how long they’ve been trying to have a baby. She couldn’t be happier for them.

“Hey, Gav, guess you’re  _ really _ going to be a grandpa now,” Fenrys joked.

Mor walked over and smacked him on the back of the head. “Don’t ruin the moment, you idiot.” She gestured at Elide, “Carry on.”

Elide sniffed, her hormones caused her to cry hard for her friends, and consulted her list. “Oh, how perfect. Next is Lysandra.”

Rowan resumed his role as Santa and when he brought Lysandra her gift, he said, “Congrats, Lys, I’m happy for you guys.”

Lysandra thanked him, “I’m surprised you didn’t know already.”

Aelin laughed at that. “Yeah, like he can keep a secret.” Everyone joined her laughter and Rowan slumped back in his seat.

“Oh, these are beautiful!” Lysandra exclaimed, opening a box with jade stud earrings encompassed with gold, laying on a small satin pillow within. “And I don’t have to worry about a little one tugging on them. I love them Thank you!”

Cassian piped up, sheepishly, “Uh, yeah, you’re welcome! Aelin picked them out.”

“Well, I love them. Thanks, Cass.” He nodded at her in response.

“Rhysand’s turn!” called Elide.

“It’s… a mirror?” Rhys questioned, eyes scanning the room to find out who his Secret Santa was.

It was Fenrys, of course, who spoke gesturing with finger guns. “So you always know how hot you look, babe.”

“Thanks, I guess?” Aelin didn’t miss the way he tried to make eye contact with Feyre who suddenly found the carpet the most interesting thing in the room.

Elide rolled her eyes. “Alright, Fenrys, you’re up.” Out of everyone in the room, Fenrys looked the most like a kid on Christmas morning, waiting for his presents from Santa. Rowan hands him a small, wrapped box, and when he opens it, Fenrys’ grin takes up his whole face. He was gifted a box of condoms.

Elain smacked Azriel in the back of the head, letting everyone know who was responsible. Aelin’s unusually good hearing allowed her to hear him whisper, “Don’t worry. I got an extra box for us.” Elain’s blush was telling enough to everyone else in the room.

Fenrys leaned over to Mor, nudging her with his elbow. “Hey babe, got these bad boys. You, me, your new wine and now my brand new condoms. Eh?” He wiggled his eyebrows for the full effect.

Mor shoved him away with her hand to his face, the blonde pair laughing.

Elain cleared her throat. “Anyways. Aelin, your turn.”

Aelin didn’t bother waiting for Rowan to get up, she skipped to the table and searched the pile for her name. She found it on a small bag, similar to the one that held Lysandra’s earrings. When she opened it, a regular-sized Kit Kat bar stared back at her.

Amren rolled her eyes. “Eat it or throw it away, girl. I don’t care.”

“Could’ve at least made it King-sized,” Aelin grumbled.

“I’ll eat it!” yelled Fenrys.

“No, no, I’ll eat it.”

“At least I know your favorite things,” Amren accused, casting a glare at Rowan filled with murderous intent. He swallowed hard and looked away.

Elide interjected, “Can we please make it through this without anymore death threats? Rowan, Feyre’s gift, please.”

Rowan handed Feyre the card with her name on it. Confused, she opened it to reveal a note written on the lodge stationary and a check. After reading them both, Feyre sucked in a breath and locked eyes with Rhys. “You’re… you’re paying off my student loans?”

Aelin’s eyes widened. Now  _ that’s _ a gift. Rhys tried to step closer to her, but Feyre ran from the room. Rhys cursed under his breath and ran after her. Everyone tried to busy themselves, pretending they weren’t listening, as bits and pieces of their argument floated in through the doors they left open.

“You know. _ You know!  _ I hate feeling weak and this...Friends don’t do this kind of shit, Rhysand!” Feyre yelled all of a sudden.

Rhys yelled back, “Well, maybe I don’t want to be just your friend anymore, Feyre!”

Everyone stilled. Aelin looked to Nesta whose eyes, cold and hard, were trained on the empty doorway. Her fists were clenched, no doubt preparing for battle if Feyre needs her. Rhysand and Feyre’s voices lowered enough that Aelin couldn’t hear them anymore, so she stood up and moved closer to the door, ignoring Rowan’s “nosy” comment towards her.

Just inside the door, Aelin could hear them again. “Please, don’t shut me out, Feyre. I’ve tried to keep this in, but I just can’t anymore. I love you. I’ve loved you from the moment you gave me shit at the holiday party. I want to see you thrive and not be held back. I don’t want you to worry about slimy douche bags at Rita’s or whether or not you’ll have time for your own art. Making you feel weak wasn’t my intention. It was to allow you to pour all your time and money into what you love and be successful. Feyre, darling, the world deserves to see what you can do. And I hope to be there for you every step of the way.”

Aelin peered around the corner slowly and saw the conflict on Feyre’s face. She wasn’t sure what the other woman was thinking, but eventually, she asked, “Y-You love me?” Rhys nodded. Aelin watched briefly as Feyre stepped to him, throwing her arms around his neck and kissed him soundly. Always scheming, she inched back into the room and came up behind Fenrys, stealing his box of condoms without him noticing.

She went back to the door and threw the box at Rhysand’s head. The pair startled apart and Rhysand bent down to pick up the box. He looked up at Aelin who winked and gestured for them to go. Feyre blushed as Rhysand grinned and took Feyre’s hand, pulling her towards the elevator.

Back in the room, Nesta made eye contact with Aelin. She gave her a reassuring smile that Feyre was fine, and Nesta relaxed into Cassian’s side.

“Should we keep waiting for them?” Elide asked, sounding very much like she did not want to wait at all. Aelin shook her head and Elide sighed. “Okay, then. Gavriel is next.”

“Oh!” Elain shouted. “Hold on, I have to get it!” She scurried out of the room and came back with a cake box. She presented it to Gavriel proudly. Aelin watched Aedion’s eyes widen with concern--his dad is a diabetic--but Elain waved him off. “It’s safe, don’t worry. It’s sugar-free! I made cookies, too.” She beamed and Gavriel gratefully took the homemade gift from her.

Aedion offered Elain an expressive thanks, knowing how difficult it is for his dad at times. Gavriel spoke up, “Thank you ‘lain”

“You’re quite welcome. Anytime you want more just ask.” he smiled knowingly to himself.

Fenrys scoffed. “Who would want a cake without sugar?”

Elain retaliates, “Who said this cake is for you?” The Cadre staff ooohhhh’ed and laughed like immature teenagers. Only difference was they were adult men.

Elide whistled to quiet them down, and the ladies giggled. “Azriel!” Aelin hand-delivered her gift to Azriel with a wink at Elain who, after a few too many dirty martinis, spilled the beans about Azriel’s…  _ behavior _ in bed. He pulls out a blindfold, and Elain blushes.

“Whoa,” Fenrys whispered in awe. “Azriel is  _ kinky _ .”

Elide ignored him. “Nesta’s turn, Rowan.”

Rowan handed Nesta a decently sized box and grinned as she unwrapped several books. “Oh, I’ve never read these before.”

Lysandra clapped her hands excitedly. “They’re so good! There’s one in there about a Fae country and the men are  _ hot _ .”

“You got her  _ sex _ novels? Story time! Read it out loud please,” Fenrys spoke up-- _ again _ . He took one of the books and looked at the cover: a shirtless, winged male with pointed ears. He smirked. “You know what they say about wingspans.”

“No, Fenrys.” Lysandra rolled her eyes and turned back to Nesta. “But Nes, let me tell you… the smut is--” she made the chef’s kiss gesture, and Nesta’s grin grew.

Fenrys poked his head back in between them. “So book club?”

“You have to be able to read,” Nesta deadpanned.

Before Fenrys could open his idiotic mouth again, Mor scolded, “Can you please shut the fuck up for five minutes?”

“Make me, babe,” he winked.

Mor gave a resigned sigh. “I will take you upstairs right now and fuck you if you shut up.”

Fenrys perked up, “Are you serious?”

“Ah, look, you’ve ruined it now.” She stood up and walked over to the refreshments table.

Fenrys ran after her. “Wait. No, restart!”

Elide rubbed her temples, likely wondering if this is what it’s going to be like having children. “We have four people left, can we all just be calm through four more gifts?” The company grumbled various versions of  _ Yes ma’am _ and  _ sorry Elide _ as they settled down. “Thank you. Elain is next.”

Gavriel gave Elain an apron personalized with her initials and intricate floral details. She promised to bake him more because of it. Regardless if he asks or not. Elide was next and received noise-cancelling headphones from Aedion. Despite his second attempt at a vow of silence, Fenrys burst out laughing. They all knew how loud Lorcan is when he sleeps. When it became Rowan’s turn, Aelin smirked and handed it to him.

It was a mug with an engagement photo of Rowan and Aelin printed on it. Rowan smiled wide, “Thank you, Elide, I love it.”

“Turn it around,” Aelin said.

Rowan did and barked a laugh. He read it out loud, “Rowan Whitethorn: Tea Spiller. Of course.” His coworkers chuckled, knowing Rowan is the most gossip-prone of them all.

“You didn’t think I’d have a say in your gift?” Aelin kissed him on the cheek.

Rowan eyed her. “How many Secret Santas did you know?”

“I don’t spill tea, Buzzard. I drink it.” She leaned closer and whispered conspiratorially, “Besides, if you give a pregnant woman a foot rub, they sing like a canary.”

Elide frowned looking between the barren table and her list, brows pressed together in confusion, “Cassian I think someone forgot your gift. Rowan-”

Rowan went to speak and Nesta beat him to it, “He had his gift already. Opened it himself this morning.” she heard Fenrys snickering mumbling  _ sure he did _ , “I was his gift.” Fenrys continued in the back,  _ see I told you _ . Nesta’s hardened glare fell on the all too teasing co worker. Immediately he halted the laughter, coughing as he looked away. 

Cassian’s arm around Nesta squeezed tighter, she looked up into his hazel eyes, full of admiration as they exchanged a knowing glance. He didn’t break away the gaze as he spoke, “If you nosy pricks must know, it was a tie.” and so much more. Nesta laid a hand on his leg. Her head resting on his chest.

“Well I guess that’s it then.” Elide chimed, leaving Nesta and Cassian along to stare lovingly at each other.

Everyone gathered their items going in separate directions to spend the last day of the trip however they pleased. Fenrys was flustered and asked everyone, “Hey, where did my condoms go?!” but he was dutifully ignored. Dejected, he trailed after Mor towards the bar, the sight of the bartender making him forget his lost gift.

Feyre and Rhys never returned, Nesta had a feeling she’d rather not check up on her youngest sister. She knew she was in good hands regardless. Like shadows, Azriel and Elain disappeared. If she knew her sister it was to the hot springs of Staghorn Mountains. An intimate place in nature for two of them. Amren had left the second their exchange concluded, whether to plot revenge on Rowan or simply to get away was anyone’s guess.

Elide and Lorcan were content to retreat back to their rooms, exhaustion weighing heavy on her pregnant body. Speaking of pregnancy, Lysandra, Aedion, and Gavriel stayed together. Aedion still touched her belly, eyes wide in disbelief as Gavriel unloaded stories of his son as a babe. That left Rowan and Aelin who approached Nesta and Cassian with glasses of mimosas in their hands. Handing glasses to the couple, both of them slid into the opposite chairs like a Queen and King readying for delegations. 

Aelin’s mischievous grin was as wide as Rowan’s smirk. “Silverheart,” he nodded at Nesta.

Cassian choked on a laugh, Nesta turned to him with a deep scowl on her face. A silent command to stop laughing or there’d be no repeat of this morning. Immediately, he stopped, curling his hand over the glass.

“General Dickhead,” Aelin added. It was Nesta’s turn to hide a laugh behind a glass. Cassian glared.

“So I can’t laugh at Silverheart but you can laugh at that?” Cassian questioned incredulously.

“Yes. Exactly,” she teased. “Your nickname is amusing. Mine--” her gaze slid to Rowan. “--is annoying and pathetic. And should be changed.”

Rowan inclined his head in agreement. “What about Best Woman instead? It’s not a nickname exactly. More… like a position.” Nesta only stared, confused in his statement. Rowan sighed, continuing to speak, “You can’t be the best  _ man _ at my wedding. And I can’t think of anyone else to be by my side. So... best woman?”

Nesta blinked once. Twice. Shocked and yet not shocked at his question. Rowan had few friends, she knew this. Sure, he made talk with many, hung out with everyone after work and at gatherings. But that was for Aelin, not him. Nesta was fully aware he’d rather be home and away from the nonsense of their wild group of coworkers. It made sense that the only other person aside from Aelin he confided in was her. There was no one else he trusted his life with enough to be by his side on the biggest day of his life.

“I’d be honored,” Nesta replied, one of her secret smiles poking out behind the champagne flute.

“What about me? Don’t I get to be in the wedding party?” Cassian whined as he dropped his arm over Nesta’s shoulders. His hand rested with a casual grace as her hand splayed over his knee. She leaned back into his solid chest.

“Obviously,” Aelin retorted, rolling her eyes. “You’re my man of honor.” She spoke it like they’ve been over this hundreds of times since her engagement. By the way Cassian drew his brows together, his lips parted in surprise, Nesta knew this was news to him. He wasn’t expecting that in the least. Unlike Rowan, Aelin had many friends thanks to her exuberant personality. He assumed her Maid of Honor would be Lysandra or even Nesta for Rowan. “Unless you don’t want to be.”

“Are you kidding me? Hell yeah I do. Do I wear a dress?” he asked with a bit of enthusiasm to his tone.

“You don’t need to, but if you want to,” Aelin shrugged, “Sure. You just can’t look as hot as me,” she winked, raising her glass, the other three following. “To us and the success of plan Nessian!” Cassian and Nesta both eyed Aelin brows arched up in unison, “What? Did you not think I wouldn’t name whatever Nesta was cooking up?” She shook her glass gently. “Make fun of me later, I wanna toast and then we’re having a double date. After all the shit you both put us through, we all deserve it.” Rowan kept quiet; it took one look at Nesta for her to know he agreed with his fiancee. 

In truth, Nesta wanted to retreat to her room, Cassian’s room. It didn’t matter at this point. All she wanted was the day with him. But she looked at Rowan and Aelin, the two people who had been there for her and Cassian from the beginning but especially the past couple days. They kept their reassurances alive, encouraging them to hold on. She could give them this in thanks. They clinked their glasses together, bringing the flutes to their lips, downing the sweet, citrusy taste. The bubbles from the champagne trickled down her throat. 

When they finished, Aelin gathered the glasses bringing them to the bar. Rowan followed after informing them they would meet for lunch. Nesta found Cassian’s eyes on her, darting from the necklace resting over her chest and her face. A promise of forever twinkling in his hazel eyes.


End file.
